


The Things I’d Do To Wake Up Next To You

by dirtymattress



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: M/M, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-31
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-01-27 20:05:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 36,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1720919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dirtymattress/pseuds/dirtymattress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Harry wakes up to a pregnant Louis Tomlinson and a wedding band on his finger.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

The first time Harry wakes up it’s to the hammered beeping of machines. His head is so heavy he can’t move. He can’t see. There’s a tube down his throat. He can’t breathe. He blacks out from the fear.

\--

When Harry was 12 his mum handed him a honey cake, kissed his temple and pushed him into the garden to go greet their new neighbors.

The heat was unbearable that summer, sticky skin and blotchy cheeks every time he stepped outside but he can see his mum on the phone in the kitchen and doesn’t want to get roped into hearing about his uncle’s ankle surgery _again_ so he jumps off the steps towards the gate connecting his yard to the next.

He takes his sweet time, scuffs his sneakers at the displaced stones near the fountain his step dad built his mum last spring. Kneels and follows a spider weaving through its web from one rosebush to another. The cake is light swinging in his hand when he crosses over the threshold into the Williams- no, they moved away, he can’t remember the name of this new family- yard and is standing on the other side of the tall brick wall that separated the properties.

Their lawn is much less manicured than his, weeds sprouting from weeks of neglect between one family leaving and another moving in. Their picnic table is littered with fallen leaves, dirt covers the small colored marbles and sea glass normally glittering the pathway from Mrs. Williams whimsical phase and the ivy she planted years ago continue to creep up their side of the brick wall. It’s always reminded him of fairies hollows.

He doesn’t realize he’s being watched until he glances up towards the house and there’s a boy standing in the middle of the small garden, a tiny girl perched on one hip and another trying to crawl up his side. He’s small and thin with kinda spiky brown hair and tired blue eyes. He’s not wearing a shirt. His skin looks warm and drizzled in honey and there are tan freckles on his nose.

He’s so pretty.

Harry freezes right on the spot.

They just stare at each other for a few seconds, the boy adjusting the squirming child on his hip and the other girl starting to pull at his khaki shorts. Harry can see the line of his tan, he can see where the spice of his stomach ends and the milky paleness of his hips begins. He can’t breathe.

“Hi?” The boy makes to step closer but he must read something on Harry’s face because he stops, eyes sliding over Harry curiously.

Harry drops the cake.

Well, almost. It fumbles out of his hands and he makes a loud yelp of a noise as he somehow catches the white linen it’s wrapped in just before the small cake bounces off his knee and into the dirt. His arms are twisted up in a knot as his fingers barely hold the small cake and he’s just frozen there. The boy’s eyes on him and Harry’s eyes are on the ground. He can feel the heat creeping over his face. He’s so _embarrassed_.

So harry runs. He doesn’t dare look back as he dashes back through the gate, leaving it wide open. He runs right up his steps and almost kicks the door in trying to get into the house.

“Harry?” His mum is sitting at the table still, cup of tea in her hand and a magazine open. He nearly slams into the wall at her voice. “What are you doing? Why are you so red- what happened? Why do you still have the Tomlinson’s cake?”

Harry looks down, ears ringing and hands trembling to see the honey cake broken in his fingers and crumbles falling to the floor. “Oops.”

He doesn’t leave the house for the rest of the weekend.

\--

Harry remembers when Louis left the house with Hannah and came home with Greg.

Louis. That’s his name, the pretty boy that lived next door to him, _Louis Tomlinson_. Well, Louis started dating a girl he went to school with named Hannah when he was 17. She was tall with blonde hair and _boobs_ and Louis would walk her home every single day. Sometimes he would carry her on his back as she giggled and wrapped her long legs around his waist. Sometimes he would just carry her books and laugh at her jokes while tucking her hair behind her ear and sneaking a kiss to her neck.

Hannah was really popular, her mum used to be a model and she got to wear make-up before all the other girls in her year and she was generally seen as quite the catch. So it didn’t surprise Harry when Louis started dating her because Louis was really, really popular too. He played footie and listened to the coolest bands and because his mum was a nurse he was always home alone bringing girls back to his house to do _stuff_.

And Harry watched it all. He wasn’t some weirdo recluse or anything; in fact he was rather popular in his own private school his parents insisted he attend. He had friends, he did his own _stuff_ with girls or whatever but none of that really mattered. Because as soon as his friends would leave or Suzie-what’s-her-face would wipe her mouth with the back of her hand and press a kiss to his lips to sneak out the back door he would find himself sitting on the perch of his bedroom window watching and waiting for Louis to come home.

Watching and waiting to see what Louis was doing. Was he practicing footie in their back garden? Was he fetching the mail for his mum? Fighting with his sister Lottie to put on her jacket before she gets a cold? What was he wearing that day? Did he get a haircut? It looks shorter in the back. Is he sneaking a cigarette behind the big tree by the window, again? Harry wasn’t obsessive, he wouldn’t sit there for hours waiting for Louis to walk past his window or anything, but he did enjoy the little peeks into Louis’ life.

Harry wouldn’t call them friends, is the thing. After that horribly embarrassing incident when Harry was 12 -- practically a baby, honestly -- Louis has always been very kind. Always lending him flour when his mum makes him walk over and sometimes bringing the paper to their front door on Sundays, barefoot and blue-eyed.

So when Louis leaves the house one afternoon with Hannah on his arm Harry doesn’t even blink. It’s when, and Harry remembers it like a fevered dream, but it’s when he looks out his window much later that night to see Louis’s small frame engulfed by none other than the town’s golden boy Greg James that he almost falls from his perch. He’s frozen where he sits, fingers fisting the thin curtains of his window watching Greg push Louis against his car and kiss him for what felt like days. Harry feels faint, overheated and so absurdly hurt he doesn’t know what to do with himself. For a second he’s not even watching the boys kiss in the darkness, his eyes too unfocused as he feels his body sway from side to side.

He hears Louis’ whine into the night, soft and so fucking sweet in the cool nighttime air and his eyes find their way back to the two. Greg’s taken a step back now as Louis coyly tries to fix his hair, longer and shaggier than it used to be. He’s 18 now; shoulders filling out, legs long, eyes still as bright as ever when he wraps his jean jacket tighter around his body.

Harry glances at the clock by his bed: it’s half three in the morning and Louis Tomlinson is snogging a boy outside his house. A boy.

 _A boy_.

Harry doesn’t watch Louis leave Greg, doesn’t want to see anymore. He feels so empty; so alone… Harry’s completely heart broken when he falls into his sheets, tears stinging his eyes from the betrayal. He feels so silly.

\--

Greg James is a phase, a chapter in Louis’ ever interesting life.

Harry watches Louis sulk around his house, angrily kicking his football against their brick wall late into the night when Greg goes off to Norwich for uni as Louis starts his gap year.

It doesn’t last for long; Louis falls head over heels for a girl named Eleanor Calder and never looks back.

Eleanor actually goes to Harry’s private school, she’s gorgeous and kind with a heart shaped face and lots of her daddy’s money. She takes Louis to islands off the coast of France and brings him back with buttery skin and pink lips. She dresses him up in cuffed khaki trousers and expensive cardigans and he leaves a trail of Gucci cologne when he walks by. Louis walks around looking so gorgeous Harry runs out and gets a job for the summer just for the distraction.

Harry gets a job at the local bakery. That’s where he meets the owner’s son Niall. Harry bakes the goods, Niall eats the goods. He also runs deliveries when they get busy and does inventory when he gets bored but mostly he just eats and laughs and listens to Harry mutter pathetically about his unrequited love for Louis Tomlinson and how hopeless his life is. Because it was, before he met Niall.

Niall’s the only person who knows Harry likes boys, or at least Harry thinks he likes boys. He likes Louis, but that’s about it. He’d been in the middle of a nervous breakdown for the longest time after he’d seen Louis and Greg together, tearing his hair out and refusing to look anyone, girl or boy, in the eyes for weeks. But then he meets Niall and one day Niall cracks a joke about Harry checking out his bum while he unloads the dry goods deliveries and Harry had started crying right then and there kneading pumpernickel bread dough.

Niall had just wrapped Harry in his arms and told him it was okay, that Niall _did_ have the best bum in town and that Harry shouldn’t be ashamed to admire it, he shouldn’t be ashamed of anything. And that was it, that was all that needed to be said. From that day on Niall was always careful to use the right pronouns around Harry and even started pointing out blokes he found attractive, _“Look, Haz, if I ever had to pick a guy…”_

\--

Niall’s three sheets to the wind right now, skinny legs spread out as his body sinks into the grass of Harry’s garden. The sun set hours ago and in its place they lit a fire in Harry’s firepit and decided to get wonderfully drunk.

Niall’s leaving in the morning.

Harry’s fingers are calloused and raw from a summer of learning how to play Niall’s old guitar. He doesn’t know what he’s going to do tomorrow. His best friend is leaving him. Going back to Ireland first thing in the morning with all of his memories and all of his secrets and it’s something he’s been denying himself for months. He doesn’t want to think about it. Doesn’t want to deal with the changes in his life and how he’s supposed to wake up tomorrow and keep going without Niall by his side. Harry takes a double shot of whiskey and tilts his head back to look at the stars.

Harry’s headed to Manchester for uni in a few weeks too, but he doesn’t like talking about it. What’s the point, it’s irrelevant. Because Niall’s _leaving the country_ and Harry’s not. Not to be dramatic, but they may never see each other again. Harry tears up at the thought, reaching again for the bottle of whiskey trying not to smile as Niall hiccups his way through one of their songs. Because that’s what they’ve been doing all night, reminiscing. Stumbling with drunken minds through all the music they’ve written over the last two years. Hundreds of songs, most absolute shit and unfinished but they exist.

“Promise to miss me?” Niall slurs, turning his head to look at Harry. His lips are wet and his cheeks are flushed and Harry can feel his chin tremble as he looks away. He’s such a fucking sap.

“Shut up, will you?” Harry’s not in the mood. Niall laughs, loud and messy as he maneuvers onto his knees at Harry’s side and shoves him.

“Say it. Say you’ll miss me.”

Harry rolls his eyes and falls onto his back, arms crossing under his head. “I’ll miss you. I can’t believe you’re leaving me and I’ll hate you forever… but I’ll miss you.”

“Atta boy!” Niall grins, pushing his face into Harry’s before pulling back and yawning, “got’a take a piss.”

Niall couldn’t make it into the house even if he tried so after walking in a circle he retreats to a dark corner closer to the guest house to piss behind a tree. Harry watches him go with a smile.

_“You’re not Grim!”_

Harry feels his heart stop as the bottle of whiskey slips from his stiff palm and lands with a dull thud on the ground. His eyes search the darkness and they land on a small figure illuminated by the light of the fire just near the Tomlinson’s gate.

“Lou- Louis?” Harry sounds like a blabbering fucking idiot. Is he that drunk?

“Noooo, no,” Louis’ eyes are low and he’s swaying a bit like he’s going to fall over but he’s smiling so big and so bright Harry can feel it reflecting on his own face. “You’re Harry. Harry Styyyyles. Hazzzzzza!”

Harry watches with wide eyes as Louis drops to his knees slow as molasses and starts to crawl towards Harry. He looks like a jungle cat on the prowl, hips rocking as slinks over. His fingers are ripping out the grass as he goes, grin slipping into a knowing smirk. The closer he gets the lower Harry’s jaw drops.

“Harry Styles,” Louis purrs, crawling right into Harry’s lap and stopping just before their noses touch. His eyes are blown and blazing in the light of the fire. His lips look bitten and red, his hair a mess and his cheeks flushed. He smells like weed and cheap beer and he’s paler than the last time Harry saw him months ago, a little older, cheekbones a little more cut. Louis pulls back, eyes roaming slowly over Harry’s face before he straddles him properly, plush bottom riding up Harry’s thighs when Louis plants his hands next to his face, caging him in. “What ‘er you doing here, Hair Style?”

Louis giggles at his own joke, his head falling on Harry’s shoulder and he tenses when he feels Louis’ warm, wet mouth drag across his skin. Harry can’t breathe, doesn’t know what to do, his hands slide up Louis’ thighs to grip his hips, keeping him close. Harry takes a deep breath; he’s never been so close to Louis in his life.

“Mum says you’re going to Manchester, Hair Styles.” Louis pulls back unsteadily but doesn’t go far, small hands moving to grip into the skin of Harry’s chest, nails piercing through the fabric of his thin shirt. His breath is stale and ghosts against Harry’s lips. “Always bragging about ya. _‘Oh Anne said Harreh did this! Did ya know Harreh could sing, Lou?’_ Always braggin’ about ya, did ya know? Always loved you, always talkin’ about you. _‘So smart, that Harreh. So cute, that Harreh. Why can’t you get a boy like that Lou?’_ The Great Harry Styles!”

Harry feels his body shut down and try to restart again. His fingers grip Louis’ hips so hard, pulling him up his legs until Louis’ settled right where he wants him. Louis doesn’t say anything, just rolls his hips teasingly and runs his knuckle up Harry’s chest until he reaches the middle of his eyes. He’s so drunk Harry worries he’s going to pass out right there in his arms. “Good lad, nice little body…”

“Lou-”

Louis surges up and kisses him. A small moan slips from Louis’ tongue as he licks into Harry’s mouth, hands pulling Harry up to meet him half way. Harry’s wanted to kiss Louis Tomlinson since before he knew what kissing was. Since the moment he saw this pixie of a boy standing half naked in his yard with two small children hanging from his sides he'd know he wanted him. There was never a second guess, never a doubt in his mind what kissing him would be like. And yet, as he sits here with Louis literally in his lap, he can’t imagine what the fuck he was thinking.

Because it’s better than anything he could ever imagine. It’s messy and their lips are chapped and Louis’ half kissing his chin but its _Louis_. Louis is kissing him. Louis is _kissing_ him. _On the mouth_.

Louis grunts this desperate sound that sends a spike up Harry’s spine and he reaches up to grip Louis’ neck, turn him the way he wants him and Louis falls open effortlessly. Louis’ legs are tight around Harry’s waist and he’s rolling his hips before Harry grips his bum with his other hand pulling him in as close as possible. At least he thinks he is, he’s a little numb; body trembling as the alcohol fucks with his mind and next thing he knows he has Louis flipped on his back and he’s settled on top of him, cradled between his thighs. It’s all so much.

“Holy shit!” Niall whispers from somewhere on the other side of the fire pit. Harry pulls away then and he sees how fucked out and hazy Louis’ eyes are. His stomach drops at the sight “You did it; fucking hell Harry you did it. Fucking finally!”

“Lou?” The words fall like pathetic drool from Harry’s lips as he watches Louis lazily yank grass out with his fingers, eyes roaming before he looks down at their bodies twisted together. He’s so drunk, eyes dark and tongue slow when he licks his lips with a stupid giggle. He gently pushes at Harry’s chest before Harry takes the hint and crawls off of him, sitting back on his heels like the lovesick puppy he is. “Louis?”

Louis huffs as he rolls over trying to sit up. He can’t keep his eyes open as he slumps over pathetically. “You’ve always looked at me funny, ‘arry. Is this what you’ve wanted? Me on my back for you? Since we were kids? Nick doesn’t kiss me like that. Not anymore, never really did… I think he forgot about me tonight. Why does he always do this to me? I love him.”

“What?” Harry’s voice is wet and so, so pathetic.

“Tha fuck?” Niall hiccups from his place and Harry wants to tell him to fuck off because he’s so mortified. He doesn’t want anyone to see him, see the rejection on his face as Louis sits there looking at him like he hasn’t just turned his world upside down in a matter of seconds. “Who- who is Nick?”

“My boyfriend? Oh God,” Louis tries to stand up but he’s so drunk he just falls back to his knees laughing. “This is such a mess! I’m such a mess, Harry Styles. Such a mess!”

“Fucking what?” Niall slurs, taking a step forward with his finger pointed towards Louis and that’s when Harry starts to drown. A man appears from around the gate, tall and quiffed and so much older than them all but he’s calling to Louis _‘I thought I told you to meet me out front, darling?’_ and Louis is following _‘Got lost babe, I’m so fucked up’_ and Harry throws up in the bushes before Niall can even get to him.

Niall leaves in the morning. Louis officially moves to London with his DJ boyfriend Nick two weeks later. Harry goes to Manchester and starts over.

\--

"Drink, baby."

The second time Harry wakes up he swears he’s breathing underwater. He feels weightless and heavy at the same time; his limbs feel like they’re floating with the sway of the ocean. There’s no tube down his throat. He celebrates by taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly as he tries to open his eyes. It’s as if he’s been asleep for a thousand years, his eyelids stuck together and his eyes unable to handle the dim light beyond them. He struggles to maneuver his hands to his face but they seem to settle somewhere along his chest. He feels drugged and completely out of it.

“Harry?”

He turns his head towards the voice, sounding far off yet so comforting, but still unable to open his eyes. He tries to reaches out but doesn’t know if he quite makes it before something or someone is holding his hand.

“He’s doing good. Welcome back Mr. Styles.” He feels someone else at his other side but they don’t touch him and seconds later the presence is gone again.

“Hear that, Haz? You’re doing so good, my love.”

The voice is a gentle wave in his ocean. Harry reaches out again even though the person is still holding his hand, testing his abilities. Is he in his bed? He feels something on his face, a hand, it’s small and cradling his cheek and the warmth is so good he hears himself moan at the contact. He’s still floating. He feels so good.

“Can you sit up for me, darling? Drink something?”

Harry nods but doesn’t move. His head is so heavy he can’t control where it lands and he feels his arm start to float towards the ceiling before it’s pulled back down again. He tries to speak, smacks his lips together once or twice. This is the worst cotton mouth he’s ever had. What the fuck did he do last night? He tries again to speak and this gravely grunt comes out. He starts to laugh but when he lifts his head a sharp pain throbs at his temple and he falls back against the pillow.

It takes him a moment or two but he finally opens his eyes just enough to take in his surroundings. He’s definitely not in his bed, but maybe a hospital. He thinks he should be freaking out but he’s not, he doesn’t feel much of anything right now besides the gently rocking of his floating body.

The room is dark, it must still be night, and it’s mainly empty except for a man sitting at his side and the dozens upon dozens of flowers filling the small room. He scans the flowers, big colorful bouquets on every available surface and he can’t tell if he can smell the flowers or not. The man to his side is smaller and wearing a large jumper but Harry can’t make out his face that’s half hidden in the shadows.

“Hi, sunshine.” The man whispers, emotion flooding his voice and Harry’s confused, wonders what he looks like, if his face is destroyed? He’s so drowsy, his body threatening to drop right back to sleep as he reaches up to touch his face. It still feels smooth, two eyes, one mouth, one giant nose. It all seems there and Harry smiles gratefully.

“Hi.”

The man sits up a little straighter and Harry can see his eyes then, bright blue and shiny with unshed tears. He looks so happy and Harry guesses he’s the most beautiful man he’s ever seen. Harry blinks, watching the laugh dance from the man’s mouth, thin lips pink as a cherry blossom.

“Are you okay? Why are you crying?” Harry’s voice sounds horrible, raw like rolling rocks but he’s not in the proper mindset to care why. “I’m sorry but, you are... beautiful. You're the most beautiful man I've ever seen.”

Harry thinks his heart monitor skips a beat when the man grins, wiping the moisture from his eyes. His smile is like the most familiar punch to his gut. "Looking like this? Don't be silly, drink some water."

He holds a straw to Harry’s dry lips but he tries his best to turn his head away. "Who are you?"

"Your husband, Harry, geez."

"You're _my husband_? You’re joking?”

"Babe, drink something. C'mon."

"Wait, wait... are you- give me your hand." Harry tries to reach for the man’s hand but for some reason his limbs go the opposite way. He’s too tired to get frustrated. He tries again, reaching out as the man meets him halfway and his brain stutters when he sees their matching silver rings.

"Wow,” Harry breathes, head falling heavy and limp against his pillow. He feels like he’s doing less floating and more falling. He tries to reach for the man again, palm landing heavy on his soft cheek and they both laugh. “You’re so beautiful. Honestly… you look so- wait, are you joking? Don't be joking, we're together?”

The man once again pushes a straw to Harry’s mouth and this time he takes it, trying his best to drink the liquid but most of it dribbles right back out of his mouth. He could care less; this gorgeous man is looking at him like he’s a God, clearly amused with Harry’s ridiculous condition. "Yes, Sunshine, for a long time now."

 _"Wow,”_ Harry whispers like he’s found a hidden treasure. He’s so tired but this is the best dream he’s ever had. “This is the best dream I’ve ever had. Have we- have I kissed you? I feel like I know you…”

“Baby, you're on a lot of medication.”

Harry absolutely melts into the thin mattress, air rushing out of his lungs. It’s a mumble when the words finally make it out, “say it again. Call me- please, say it again.”

The man rolls his eyes with a grin, leaning forward and kissing up Harry’s cheek to whisper _‘baby’_ it in his ear. Harry’s toes curl and he lets his eyes close shut. The man runs a finger along his jaw, touch warm and calming.

“How long have we been married?” Harry can hear himself slurring and tries to pull himself together. “You’re the most beautiful man I've ever seen, hand on heart. I don’t know what’s going on but… c’mere, let me- let me see you, please. Look at you- _your smile_. I- how? We're married? _You_ married _me_? I gave you that ring? Do we have children? Do we have a family?”

The man laughs now, throwing his head back with muffled grin as his small hand comes to cover his face. Harry wants to crawl over and kiss him silly. He hopes he never wakes up.

“’m working on it, love…” The man grins, standing up to reveal the rather large bump of his belly and Harry can’t breathe. He just blinks, mind completely short circuiting as he looks at this man standing before him. He’s suddenly so overwhelmed and he can hear his heart rate going up on the machine as the man leans over him to touch his face.

“Harry?” He feels himself falling back to sleep, can’t stop his eyes from drooping as he tries to focus on the man now holding his face and trying to get his attention back, trying to keep him above water. He looks worried and Harry wants to smooth the lines of his face with his thumb.

He just... he just looks so familiar even if this is a dream. Harry feels like he’s seen this man in all of his dreams, feels like he knows him and just before he closes his eyes again he locks in on those wide, frightened blue eyes and Harry can’t help but smile.

_Louis._

_\--_

Niall’s there when Harry finally wakes up for good.

He’s still drowsy and extremely disoriented but the pain is a bit stronger this time so he knows it’s not a dream. Niall’s sitting on the edge of his hospital bed tapping away at his phone and Harry has to blink into the brightness of the room for a few moments before Niall notices he’s awake. The second he does he jumps up from the bed, dragging his fingers through his hair.

“Fuck…” Niall starts, clearly trying to get his emotions under control. He’s biting at his clenched fist, fingers white from the pressure. “Haz, fucking hell you scared the shit out of us, oh my God.”

Harry’s weak body is no match for Niall who yanks Harry into a tight embrace. It hurts, his head pounding and his limbs too weak to really grab on but it feels amazing anyway. He hasn’t seen Niall in months but it feels like years. He can’t even remember the last time they had a skype session. He’s a horrible best mate.

“Niall, mate, so good to see you. Shit, man, I don’t even know what happened? Did you fly back to see me? I’m sorry...”

Niall hesitates for a moment before pulling away from Harry and looking into his eyes. Niall looks… older? Harry doesn’t remember Niall ever being so tan, his shoulders so wide. But his eyes, those are the same eyes.

“The fuck are you talking about?” Niall frowns before cocking his head. He reaches over and presses the button for the nurses before looking back at Harry. “You hit your head pretty fucking hard, huh? Idiot.”

Harry tries to laugh at Niall’s version of concern but he doesn’t think he pulls it off. He can barely feel his face. “Yeah I guess I did?”

A nurse comes in then and inspects him. Pokes him and flashes a light in his face and asks him questions to gauge his pain. Harry can’t believe the amount of flowers in his room. He’s not sure he even knows that many people...

Just as the nurse steps back to give him his space someone new steps into the room; he’s gorgeous, like disgustingly so even though he looks like he hasn’t slept in days and his hair is a messy mop atop his head and his brown eyes are bloodshot. But he’s still ridiculously good looking and Harry curls in on himself as the man steps further into the room before noticing him and visibly freezing.

“Fuck- Lou!”

And he’s gone again, running out of the room. But he comes right back and to Harry’s horror the man from his dream is standing there, eyes red and swollen. But this time they’re not alone and this time Harry’s sure he’s not dreaming and- _he’s still pregnant_. Harry starts to panic. Wait- is he still dreaming?

Harry looks back to Niall, head swimming, but Niall is frowning down at him looking just as confused.

“Can you- Niall, can you see him?” Harry whispers, dread filling his lungs. Niall blinks down at him before looking up and glancing around the room, even turning to look behind him.

“What are you talking about?”

Harry closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. Okay. It’s okay, he can do this. He glances back at the man again, at _Louis_ , before he turns back to Niall. “You don’t see him?”

“There’s no one else here, Harry. It’s just us.”

Harry nods, head heavy and he frowns as he hears Louis gasp softly. It’s all in his head. He’s losing his mind. “I don’t know what’s going on, Niall. Am I dreaming still? I- I see Louis. Do you remember Louis? The guy I- he’s… I see him near the door? I think I’ve lost my mind, am I in an institution? Tell me the truth.”

There’s a shift in the universe, then. It feels like everything explodes around them like confetti or static or just Harry’s sense of up and down. There are people bustling in and out of the small room, nurses yelling for doctors and so many faces but even more voices and Harry reaches for Niall. He’s there, warm and solid and the only thing Harry can trust right now.

“Name?” A light flashes in Harry’s face. Even over the noise he can hear Louis crying, whimpers attacking him from all four walls. He fists his hands at his sides, willing it to go away. _Please, make it go away._ “Sir, can you tell me your name?”

Harry tries to focus, reaches again for Niall to make sure he’s still there. “Harry… Styles.”

“Very good. Do you know where you are, Harry?”

“Hospital?”

“Yes. You had an accident but you’re doing very well. Can you tell me anything else? What’s the last thing you remember? Can you think of anything?”

Louis’ still crying. Harry feels Niall squeeze his hand. He tries to focus and look up at the doctor now hovering over him.

“I, um.” Harry frowns- there’s nothing there. Small flashes of color slip through his conscious but nothing he can actually see. It’s not like he’s completely forgotten who he is, he just can’t remember anything important. He remembers the paper he just failed in class, remembers he hasn’t done his laundry in a week and a half, remembers falling off his bike and skinning his knee two days before-

Harry immediately starts to panic, tries to twist his legs and tenses when there’s no pain from his knee. Nothing at all… no bandage or ache or raw nerved skin rubbing against stiff hospital sheets. It ignites a burst of fear in him as he tries to look around the room, not recognizing anything anymore.

“Harry?” That’s Niall’s voice this time and Harry turns to him, eyes wide and alarmed. Niall looks so different, years older even. His nose is wider, cheeks more gaunt and skin a nice tan instead of the Irish pale Harry’s known him to wear proudly- and he’s dressed completely different. He’s taller, hair dyed an artful blonde and he’s wearing an expensive watch Harry’s never seen before. He flinches at the thought that he doesn’t know this person, that he doesn’t know _Niall_ anymore. Niall takes Harry’s face in his hands, expression more serious than he’s ever known.

“Harry it’s me, yeah?” Harry nods. Niall exhales. “You have to help us out here, mate. We need to see if you’re really hurt. What’s the last thing you remember? Do you remember the last time you saw me? Anything?”

Harry looks down at his hands and it’s as if every bit of oxygen leaves his body when he see’s it, the ring. There’s a silver ring on his finger, the same exact one from last night, the same ring Louis’ still wearing and as he lifts his hands he see’s the tattoo’s littering his skin. He feels faint as he pushed up the sleeves of his hospital gown and see’s the black ink all over his skin. He feels Niall shake him by the shoulders and Harry looks up to see everyone watching him.

“‘s not a dream is it?”

“What do you remember, Harry?”

“When you- last time I saw you is when you went back to Ireland to live with your mum for uni… me and, uh.. me and your dad took you the airport?” Harry searches the room for Louis then, finds him turned away and wrapped in the arms of the attractive man on the other side of the room.

“Jesus Christ,” Niall groans under his breath, rubbing his face with his hands. “That was, I mean, that was fucking years ago? That was before… God, before everything.”

“Years?” It comes out much louder than Harry planned, more like a yelp than a simple question and he starts to cry. “Years? Niall- Niall, years? What happened to me?”

“This was something we discussed previously,” the doctor sighs, turning away from Harry and motioning the nurse to check his vitals. He steps towards Louis, words soft. “Short term memory loss.”

Harry can’t breath.

Louis’ still wrapped in the other man’s arms, face buried against his shoulder and he sounds strangled.“This is _not_ what we discussed… He- he doesn’t remember-” Louis sounds so fragile and cracked Harry flinches at his voice, he’s crying so hard he can’t make out half his words. “He doesn’t remember me!”

“This can be temporary, Mr. Styles.” Harry feels like he’s going to be sick. _Mr. Styles_... “He could remember everything within the next few minutes.”

Louis pulls back quickly, small palms rubbing down his face. “Or he could never remember again, right? I’m fucking six months pregnant and my husband and _the father of our child_ doesn’t know who we are, do you understand me? Do you get that? I don’t want to hear-”

“Calm down, Loueh...” The attractive man from before pulls Louis back into him, holding him close. Harry feels an overwhelming sense of dread he can only pinpoint as stupid, childish jealousy. “Calm down, he’s going to be fine. He’s here, he’s awake. That’s so much more than we had yesterday, right? You gotta to calm down, babe.”

Harry can feel his skin heating up as he watches the two and looks away. Niall runs his fingers through Harry’s hair making his eyes fall shut for a blissful second. He has the worst headache of his life and he’s so confused and he’s in so much pain he just can’t make sense of what’s really going on.

It’s quiet in the room before he finally speaks. “Louis?”

Louis looks up, eyes wide and face hopeful. It makes Harry’s heart sink instantly. Louis looks around to make sure Harry was talking to him before slowly making his way over to Harry’s bedside. Most of the nurses clear the room.

Harry takes a moment to take him in, the boy of his _dreams_. He’s taller, barely, and he’s obviously filled out a bit but Louis’ still just as beautiful, if not more, than Harry remembers. He walks cautiously towards Harry, eyes trained on his sneakers and palms pressed high on his belly like he’s not sure what to expect. His hair is pulled back under a beanie and his giant jumper is giving him sweater paws but his eyes are still the bluest he’s ever seen. Just the sight of him is making Harry a nervous wreck.

Niall pulls up a chair and Louis squeezes his shoulder in thanks before sitting down and turning back to Harry shyly. Everyone starts to clear the room at Niall’s request and Harry’s so nervous to be alone with Louis but he can’t find the words to beg Niall to stay. So he doesn’t and they’re alone and they don’t speak for awhile.

Louis looks at his hands in his lap as Harry looks at him, eyes tracing over his small ears and the slope of his nose to the faint stubble that dusts his chin. Louis’ older, Harry would guess maybe around 25 and there’s the smallest peek of a tattoo along his collarbones that’s sending a buzz through Harry’s skin. Harry watches him for the longest time, watches Louis’ chest rise and fall smoothly, watches the way his eyelashes flutter as he tries to hide his tears, watches his fingers twitch on his thighs as if he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

Harry reaches out to him cautiously, doesn’t know what kind of boundaries they should have, but the second Louis sees Harry reach out to him he grips Harry’s hand. Harry feels like he can breath again. They still don’t talk but Louis finally looks up at him, looks over his features to make sure he’s the same Harry. Louis just looks so relieved that Harry’s even alive, he brings Harry’s much larger palm to his lips and leaves a sweet kiss against the rough skin. It once again draws Harry’s attention to his tattoos and he frowns.

“I need you to- I’m so lost right now.” Harry touches his fingers to his head and feels how long his hair is. “I thought I was dreaming last night, I thought it was all in my head. I thought you were a dream, Lou.”

Louis smiles softly at the accidently nickname and Harry’s heart surges. Louis raises Harry’s hand back to his face but he doesn’t kiss it this time, just holds it against his cheek until Harry curls his fingertips under the beanie to bury into the soft hair curling over his ears. It’s so intimate Harry can feel his hands trembling. He’s never imagined such little things with Louis, never thought he would ever touch him again. God, he’s so messed up.

Louis opens and closes his mouth, speechless. Harry reaches forward and thumbs away his tears which only cause more too fall.

“I’ve missed you so much.”

Harry looks away, overwhelmed. He doesn’t know this Louis, doesn’t know who or what they are to each other. Doesn’t know what he has to miss.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say that. I- I don’t know what to say. Or do. I’ve never- I never thought this could happen. I’m so sorry Harry, I don’t know how to make this better.” Louis sound absolutely broken and a sob is pulled from Harry’s chest. He turns back to Louis and all he can see is fragile, terrified eyes looking up at him.

“How? I don’t understand how this- how we?”

Louis laughs, it’s so sudden and unexpected Harry can’t help but smile. It sounds like bells. “That’s the longest story in the world, Sweetheart.”

Harry closes his eyes and melts further into the sheets. There’s a warmth that spreads through his tired bones that for a moment, just a moment, drowns out the pain in his head.

“Give me something, Louis. Please… I go to sleep one night-” Harry can’t finish, swallowing thickly, “...and when I wake up you’re here, with me.”

“Married, with a baby on the way. I know, it’s a lot…” Louis looks away almost ashamed. “You were at your tech rehearsal, too impatient for the crew to finish up and a light fixture fell on you. Knocked you out cold. I nearly had a heart attack when I heard. I don’t know what to say, Harry. You’re the love of my life. Have been for about five years now. You’re 24, we’re in London, you and Niall make music for a living. We’ve been married for almost two years, I’m six months pregnant. You were so happy when we found out, ran around the house naked on Facetime with Niall, it was amazing-”

Louis seems to choke on his words, tears spilling over as he let’s go of Harry’s hand and stands up to pace around the room. Harry lies still, Louis’ words washing over him like harsh waves. It’s a lot to take in.

“But does any of that matter?” Louis cries almost hysterically, pacing around the room carrying his belly. “What do memories mean when I’m the only one who remembers them? What if you never get those memories back? That’s all I have Harry, me and you. Those memories are all I have now.”

Harry wants to reach and and hold him, give him the comfort he’s so desperately craving but he can’t move. He can only watch Louis wear circles into the floor. He stops suddenly, the late morning sunlight framing his small shape with a gold lining.

“I can’t do this without you, Harry. I need you to come back to me. Please.”

Harry looks up at Louis, the sadness in his eyes, and he wants so badly to be what Louis needs. That’s all he’s ever wanted really, since the day he met Louis, but he just doesn’t know what that is right now. Harry raises his hand and motions for Louis to return to him and he does. Harry reaches for him when he’s near and brings Louis’ knuckles to his lips. He may not be what Louis wants right now but he would never want him to hurt.

“Louis, I don’t know who I’m supposed to be right now. I just… I don’t know how to fit into this life right now. I want so badly to remember these things and I hope I remember them soon but for now, I’m here. I’m still me and I’m right here and if you’re here and I’m here then we can do this together, okay? I trust you. I- I love you. I don’t know if this is the first time you’re hearing that or the millionth, but I love you. I always have, since the day I saw you.”

Louis curls his smaller fingers around Harry’s, locking their fingers together as he starts crying all over again. He’s so hesitant and Harry can’t imagine a world where they were comfortable with each other but he wants to, so badly. Louis looks determined as he lifts a knee to climb onto the bed watching Harry for any sign he doesn’t want this. He crawls up the tiny mattress making sure not to jostle any of Harry’s tubes before lifting Harry’s arm and fitting himself under it like they’ve done this every day of their lives. And maybe they have, this life they have together, because Louis fits against his side like he’s been there all along, their bodies melting into place.

“You used to say that all the time, _since the day I saw you_.” Louis whispers into the stillness of the room, heartbeat rewiring Harry’s entire body. “I love you too, Harry. I love you so much. We’ll be okay.”

 

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there are far worse fics on this God forsaken website... so enjoy :)

They take it slow.

Louis is there when Harry wakes up and when he falls asleep. Niall is there. Zayn is there -apparently his manager and Louis’ best friend- with his boyfriend Liam and Harry learns to appreciate their company. Three more days in the hospital for observation and they all spend their time sharing stories and pictures and slowly helping Harry piece his life back together.

There’s this thing called Instagram, it’s brilliant. And Gogglebox, he and Louis watch it together late into the night when everyone else has gone home. Well, Louis watches it and Harry watches Louis laugh in the darkness of the room, the light of the computer illuminating his skin.

They go over their tattoos, each and every one. Louis tells him how they got together: Niall luring Harry to London to record with a producer who had found their demos on Youtube. Tells Harry how they fell in love: Harry stealing Louis away from his ex by promising him the world and always delivering. 

Harry is quietly infatuated with Louis and their life together. Asks to see every picture, read every love letter, watch every video. And there are so many, millions maybe. Louis tells him about their first date, their first fight, the night Harry proposed, the morning of their wedding. He tells Harry about them trying to have a baby, shows him every ultrasound. Shows him the paper headlines when it was announced, let’s him watch every single stupid instagram video of Harry shopping for organic baby food and cloth diapers. He tells him how they’ve already mapped out the nursery and playfully makes Harry promise to finish building the crib Anne had ordered them weeks ago.

Louis tells Harry about his travels, Peru to Dubai to Japan and even Los Angeles which he assured Harry is one of his favorites. Mentions how he and Niall have won Brit awards and earned Grammy nominations; shows him pictures of the platinum singles and international plaques that line their walls at home.

And that’s nice and all, Harry’s not even able to process the idea of “fame” at the moment, but no matter how many pictures and videos and silly stories he hears, he can’t picture his life with Louis.  Harry constantly feels on edge, like a ticking time bomb. Like the next blink it will all disappear and he will lose everything he’s ever wanted all over again. When Louis is close his skin buzzes with anticipation and want and _fear_.

But sometimes it’s not fear, that heavy feeling keeping his heart from bursting through his ribcage. Sometimes he feels so overwhelmed with gratitude everytime he looks at Louis, watches him waddle around the room and bicker with everyone. Zayn complaining he needs to calm down, pushes him into a chair any chance he gets.

“Quit stressin’ me out, Lou. You’re pregnant- go eat something and sit down.”

“Are you calling me fat, Zayn? Is that what’s happening right now? Really?” Louis turns his nose up, turning to Harry with a sly wink as he tries not to laugh. “Godfather privileges officially revoked, you’re done.”

Zayn twists Louis’ nipple as he leaves the room and Harry turns to face the window, hoping the sunlight will cover the flush of his cheeks. It bites at his nerves sometimes, his jealousy, limbs twitching as he tries to blink away the feelings his face betrays him with. As much as he likes Zayn- and Liam, Liam is lovely- he doesn’t know them. He can’t imagine ever treating Louis like that. Yet Louis seems to _like_ it. He thinks it’s _hilarious_. Louis will put peanut butter on Liam’s face when he’s sleeping and to get him back Zayn with pull him into a headlock like they’re children and they all fall out in giggles over the whole thing. Louis seems more comfortable with Zayn than with anyone in the world and he can’t help but be envious of that. Harry worries if they’ll ever get there.

He wants to imagine a world where he’s _enough_ for Louis. Tries to push away the rejection he’d held so close to his heart because even though in this world it was years ago, in his heart it’s so fresh. Harry sees Louis drunk and swaying in his lap and it feels like yesterday. He hasn’t had the years to move on like he knows Louis has. In his mind he’s still 18 and watching Louis stumble away from him again and again always looking for something or someone better so he wonders why it’s so hard, when everything he’s ever wanted is presented in front of him, to just be happy in the moment.

\-- 

The first time Harry gets a taste of his life outside of the hospital is… hectic.

There are black SUV’s waiting in the carpark and Zayn has security lining the halls. Louis’ standing in front of him, his smaller hands running up and down Harry’s arms in an attempt to calm his nerves. He has no idea what he’s about to walk into, what the press that have been camping outside will do or say to them. He never wanted to be famous, doesn’t know the first thing about this world but Louis is there telling him everything will be fine and he trusts Louis, he has to.

Because, apparently, no one knows Harry’s lost his memory. Up until a few hours ago nobody even knew he was in the hospital thanks to Liam leaking old unseen photos of Harry and Niall in the studio for the past few days. Zayn says it’s to avoid the media so Harry can take the time he needs to recover. Louis agrees instantly when they discuss it, assuring Harry that Liam will handle everything from his social media accounts to making sure any upcoming interviews and appearances are rescheduled or cancelled.

But now it’s time, photographers have been lining the streets outside ever since someone got word of the upped security call Zayn put in last night. He has been getting calls all morning and they decide to let the press entertain the idea that it’s Louis, not Harry, who’s checked into the hospital. Niall takes it upon himself to tweet a picture of Harry’s naked bum in his hospital gown with the caption _Lou’s here for the check-up yet Haz the one naked!! #TYPICAL_  and it almost breaks twitter. Zayn scolds him for teasing the fans but Niall just laughs him off. Harry’s so, so grateful for him.

They’re ready to go and Louis slings Harry’s duffle over his shoulder and for a second Harry just watches him, small belly and small hands straining to hold the stuffed bag and God he’s so cute. Harry wants to pull him in and kiss him breathless but that’s something they haven’t done yet.

Kiss. Harry feels so juvenile at the idea and his absolute, desperate _want_.

Louis knows how Harry feels, at least 18 year old Harry, and they had talked well into the night about their relationship their first night but Louis has yet to kiss him and Harry wouldn’t dare make the first move. Louis is a married man with a baby on the way and even though he’s married to _Harry_ and having _Harry’s_ baby he still feels off limits most of the time. Harry thinks they’re trying to be friends first, work their way up to the present time. Louis will joke with him and be cute and playful but they haven’t said they loved each other since that first night and Harry wants to hear those words again so badly.

Harry reaches for the bag on Louis’ shoulders but he steps back, pulling it out of Harry’s reach. His eyes are challenging but there’s a smile on his face, “I can carry it on me own.”

Harry shrugs, stepping closer to Louis until he’s crowded up against the hospital bed. “Of course you can, Lou, but what kind of man would I be to let you carry my bags? It’s my turn to take care of you now.” He can actually see the moment Louis’ breath hitches. A surge of adrenaline has him leaning in to press a kiss to Louis’ cheek as he covers Louis’ smaller hand with his own, pulling the duffle bag from his shoulders. Louis’ body sinks against the bed, breathing heavy and lips slack as he looks up into Harry’s eyes and this is a Louis… Harry hasn’t seen that Louis since the night by the firepit and he blinks, stepping back quickly and walking to the other side of the room to pretend to look for something.

Baby steps.

Louis takes a moment to collect himself. Harry pretends not to watch him pull his thick beanie lower over his ears as he clears his throat and looks away. Louis is more reserved when Zayn comes in and out of the room making sure everyone’s ready to go and preparing for their departure.

“Good, yeah?” Zayn asks distractedly, eyes stuck on his phone. “H, you have everything?”

Harry nods, hands squeezing down the thighs of his ridiculously tight jeans to make sure his phone and wallet are all there. He doesn’t remember his pants being this tight, they’re ridiculous, but Louis gets all quiet and adorably aggressive when he walks around and bends over and such, so. Harry gives Zayn the thumbs up when he asks if they’re ready to go and he looks over to find Louis still leaned against the hospital bed, hands smoothing over his belly. Harry wonders if he’s made Louis uncomfortable.

The thing is, he doesn’t know how this all went the first time. Not really. He wants to woo Louis properly, wine and dine him and now that he’s finally leaving the sterile walls of the hospital he plans to do just that. He wants to watch all of Louis’ favorite movies and cook him dinner and rub coconut oil on his belly when they crawl into bed because that’s what Harry’s always wanted to do and now that he has the chance he has to take it. He’s going to work for it, he wants Louis to love him now even more than he loved him then.

Louis’ not paying attention as everyone starts to make their way out of the room so Harry stands by his side, watching him drag zigzags into the cashmere of his usual oversized jumper until they’re the last ones left.

“Lou?”

Louis jumps up like he’s been jolted and chuckles nervously, fingers brushing to tuck his hair under his hat. He smiles up at Harry, eyebrows high before he tries to push himself off the mattress. Harry’s at his side, palm pressed to his lower back as he gains his balance and it’s the little things, the small touches he gets to enjoy now that leave Harry floating.

“Tired ‘s all. Back’s been killing me the past few nights. Missing our- uh” he stutters for a moment before clearing his throat and stepping towards the door and dropping the subject.

Harry just nods, sucking his bottom lip into his mouth. He leads Louis out of the room, hovering behind him just in case and they make it to the lift just as it’s set to close. Zayn’s on the phone as usual and Liam’s at his side with two security guards and a nurse. Louis stands next to Harry but stares straight ahead and when the lift settles one security guard steps in front of Louis blocking the door just as Harry feels Zayn grip his shoulder.

The doors slide open.

It’s so loud. 

It’s not the thousands or even hundreds like some of the video’s he’s seen of him and Niall before but there are dozens of photographers outside and a good number of fans and it’s so loud Harry flinches instantly when the front doors to the hospital are pushed open. He can hear Zayn barking orders and they’re all being flanked by multiple security guards now as they make their way to the waiting cars. Harry’s chin is digging into this chest and he can feel himself starting to panic half from the adrenaline rush and half from the massive headache all the excitement is already giving him. He must make a strange sound because Louis grips his hand then, pulling at his arm to get his attention and all Harry can manage is a small smile that feels more like a grimace. They’re almost to the car and Harry holds the door open, one hand on Louis’ back, as he helps him into the car before he’s jumping in behind him. They sit in the dark, quiet except the chaos outside.

The driver turns around to make sure they’re alright. Zayn is gone, Liam’s gone, the security guards are trying to make a path so their caravan can leave and it’s only he and Louis sitting together in the posh car. Harry groans, one hand on his head and the other giving a pathetic thumbs up as the cameras continue to flash through the window. Harry feels nauseous and disoriented, body curling in on himself as he turns his head to lean against Louis’ narrow shoulder. It’s not comfortable and his heart is racing with nerves but Louis grips his thigh, squeezing just to settle him and doesn’t remove it for the rest of the ride home.

\-- 

He wakes up three layers deep under thick blankets and quilts, surrounded by pillows and the drifting sound of classical music from the next room. He doesn’t want to open his eyes, wants to go back to sleep and jump right back into his dreams where Louis was chasing him through the trees behind Harry’s grandad’s house.

But he feels so warm and the pillows smell just like vanilla and--Louis. Harry blinks his eyes open and he’s met with a large dim room lit up by the aromatherapy candle he remembers Louis lighting before he fell asleep and what looks like the sun setting from the floor to ceiling windows that line the room. It’s beautiful, exposed brick and obscure artwork covering the walls with personal pictures mixed in everywhere. It’s cozy and intimate and breathtakingly beautiful; Harry can’t believe it’s his. 

It takes what little strength he’s regained from his nap to push the heavy layers from his body as he sits up to stretch, arms going high over his head when he notices he’s not wearing his jeans anymore. Or his shirt. They’ve both been discarded on the floor and he runs his hands down his chest, over tattoos and silver necklaces and _abs_. It’s amazing, really. Harry remembers being soft and doughy to the touch or thin as a rail but never like this. He bites back a grin, quickly pulling at the fabric of his briefs before letting the elastic slap back against his skin.

There’s a jolting drag of a chair from the next room and Harry jumps, twisting around to look over the back of the couch where he see’s the walkway to another part of the house lit up. He debates putting his clothes on before deciding against it, jeans that fitting aren’t meant to be worn around the house. His steps are silent as he makes his way towards the light and the music only gets louder, notes already calming his racing heart.

Harry turns the corner, fingers gripping the wall as he slowly peeks into the next room. It’s the kitchen. He squints to take in the large room with it’s modern features, leftover hospital flowers still blooming near the sink and the small man and owner of his fragile heart standing in the middle of it all.

It’s Louis, of course. He doesn’t notice Harry yet, too busy stirring a pot of noodles while simultaneously looking at a recipe on his ipad all while reaching for another spice from the cabinet. He looks soft and tired but determined and that’s when Harry sees the chair, obviously moved from the dinner table, that Louis uses to reach the much higher shelves. Louis looks beautiful and finally comfortable in his skin, pregnant and glowing as he runs his fingers through his tangled hair. The image makes Harry inhale deeply as he steps further into the kitchen.

Harry realizes he’s finally seeing Louis without his silly beanies on. His hair is rougher now, not the clean swoop he used to have and he wonders if Louis’ slept since he’s been in the hospital. Harry certainly hasn’t seen him rest since he’s woken up. Louis’ also, _finally_ , not wearing one of Harry’s giant jumpers. He’s in a more fitted black baseball t-shirt with grey sleep pants and no socks, he looks relaxed in his clothes and in his house. His belly looks more pronounced now, round and sitting low near his hips. Harry wants to stick himself to his back, hook his chin over Louis’ narrow shoulder and melt their bodies together.

“Do you--?” Harry starts, voice rough from sleep as he takes a step towards Louis just as he tries to step onto the chair. It rattles the smaller man as he reaches for the counter to stabilize himself. Harry reaches him then, palms light on his hips and Louis stands there for a moment to take a deep breath. “Get down from here please, you’re scaring me.”

Louis just glances back at him, cheeks pink and eyes tired as he nods and let’s Harry help him down. “I just-- the pepper. Could you?”

Harry reaches up and picks the pepper grinder from the top shelf and sets it next to Louis flat palms against the marble countertops. He mumbles a thank you without looking at Harry and steps away from him and back to his boiling pot.

“Dr. Campbell says it’s important that you’re as comfortable as possible,” Louis starts, his voice low. “You know, be around your things and try to pick up your routine and such…”

Louis trails off and when Harry looks up he catches Louis raking over his body with his eyes until he looks up to catch Harry’s eyes. Louis quickly turns away and Harry tries to bite back his smile, turning to lean against the countertop. He’s almost shaking from the sudden burst of joy so he turns to the fridge and pulls out a pitcher of water, heading to the closest cabinet to find a glass. But those are the plates, and the next one over are the bowls, then the next fancy dinner platters that they probably got from their wedding and have never used. Harry goes through the kitchen, opening cabinets until Louis takes his arm, turning Harry towards him. There’s a faint look of smug amusement on his face as he leads Harry over to the last cabinet where he reveals the glasses and mugs.

Harry nods, biting his lip when Louis returns to cooking. “Would have found it eventually I guess.”

“I’m sure of it, love.” Louis snorts softly, tapping away at his ipad.

Harry can feel the tension in the room though, casting a shadow over them no matter how light and airy Louis’ trying to make everything. It’s to be expected, Harry thinks. This is the first time they’ve really been alone. There’s no one to break the silence they’re currently swimming in as Louis cooks and Harry openly stares from the opposite side of the room.

They eat dinner together, Louis telling Harry about his job and the dramatic tale of how everything has fallen apart without him there. Harry sits with his chin in his hand relishing in Louis speaking passionately about something he loves to do. It’s refreshing, not having to talk about himself-- or who he used to be. Louis spills sauce on his chin and Harry let’s him talk for five whole minutes without telling him because he can’t get over how cute it is.

Louis’ different here. He’s quieter, softer somehow as he moves around trying to feed Harry and take care of him. He’s not snappy like he is around the boys and the restless energy seems to have been left at the door as he speaks in a tender voice and watches Harry like a hawk.

Louis nearly falls asleep while attempting to do the dishes so Harry bumps their hips, taking the soapy sponge from his hand and tells Louis to go lay down. Louis’ so tired he doesn’t even think about it when he pushes his face into Harry’s shoulder like a puppy, sleepily biting at his skin with an appreciative sigh. Harry stays perfectly still, eyes wide before Louis steps away to take out Harry’s last dosage of medicine for the night. He leaves it on the counter for him along with a glass of water before disappearing up the stairs.

It takes Harry forever to finish the dishes. Instead, he stands there idly scrubbing the same bowl for ten minutes thinking about tucking a sleepy Louis into bed until his fingers start to prune and the hot water runs cold. He blinks awake, shutting the water off and drying off the last dish before he shuts of the lights in the kitchen and slowly makes his way upstairs. It’s hard to see in the long hallways. Harry’s never been up here, practically diving onto the couch when they first got home from the hospital. The house is much bigger than it looks and while most of the doors are open and the rooms inviting the last door on the right is closed and Harry suspects that’s where Louis is.

But it feels wrong, opening the door and disturbing Louis in their- his bed. Harry doesn’t think he’s earned that right just yet. So he turns around and makes his way into the spare bedroom just by the stairs. The room is unfamiliar and lacking the warmth he’s come to know as Louis’ presence but it will do and as he crawls under the covers he thinks, just as he falls asleep, that he’s a stranger in his own home.

\--

“You’re acting like this is some kind of chore, Sunshine. It’s not, I promise you.” 

“But…” Harry pouts as he looks over at Niall for backup. Niall’s too busy pretending to ignore them to help. “I just got home, Lou.”

Louis’ eyes go wide for just a moment where Harry can see them over his raised cup of tea, but it’s gone in a flash and Louis rolls his eyes with a scoff. “Don’t you dare pull the guilt card on me, Harry. You’ve been home for over a week. I have to go to work. The people need me. Let’s not be selfish, darling." 

“Niall, please. Tell him,” Harry shoves at Niall who’s still steadily ignoring them from his stool next to Harry. Louis goes to grab his coat from the front closet. It’s a hideous thing but it’s warm and he looks dwarfed when he pulls it over his shoulders. “Tell him to stay.”

“Louis.” Niall deadpans, casually popping a roasted potato from Harry’s plate in his mouth. “He’s insufferable without you. Please don’t go.”

Harry slaps him in the back of the head before turning to Louis again who’s finishing his tea and laughing at them. It's early but the sun’s already high in the sky and weakly pushing through the clouds. Louis still looks tired but he's in good spirits this morning. It's always easier, having other people around. Harry feels like himself when Niall's there and it gives Louis a chance to be distracted from everything when he can joke around with Niall like they usually do. No awkward silences, no worrying glances. They both breathe easier in the daylight and Harry doesn't know if he appreciates the relief or hates the dependency.

"You are actually the worst, have I ever told you that lately? Jesus Christ."

"Don't flatter me, baby." Niall grins obnoxiously in Harry's face, lips stretched as a tomato spits out of his mouth and Louis pretends to gag.

"I'm leaving now. I get to go be a productive member of society today unlike you two. Niall, do not burn down my house please." Louis grins, gently tugging on Niall's ear as he makes his way to Harry's side of the kitchen counter. "And Haz, call me if you need anything and please rest do not let Niall corrupt you and please please please no pets. Please. No pets!"

Harry pouts at the accusation but his heart swells knowing that Louis really does know him even if he doesn't understand the context of it all. _Apparently_ Harry used to take in stray animals? Like, a lot of stray animals. _Apparently_ he’s not allowed to do that anymore? It's all very confusing but he tries to take it in strides.

"Yes mum." Niall rolls his eyes but he watches as Louis, slightly taller since Harry's sitting down,  kisses the top of Harry's sleep knotted hair and makes his way out of the house.

They sit in silence for a few moments after Louis leaves, listening to his truck start and roll out of their driveway. Niall's watching Harry and Harry's watching the door until he lays his head on the counter and releases a pathetic whine.

"Niall."

“What?”

“Niall, I’m in love.”

Niall just snorts, shaking his head as he gets up and heads down into Harry’s studio on the ground floor of the house. Harry follows him.

"Listen to me! I feel like I'm 14 again getting boners because I made eye contact with _Louis Tomlinson_ from across our gardens."

"Good! That’s the point of being married isn’t it? And it's Styles."

"What?"

"Louis Styles. You know, your husband? Your husband that you're so conveniently in love with? I swear I can't wait for your memory to come back. You're nearly unbearable when you're yourself but this is just pathetic bro."

"I--" Harry huffs, throwing himself on the expensive leather couch while Niall goes to sit at the board. "I wish I had my memory back too. I know he does."

"I didn’t mean to--” Niall sighs, clearly not in the mood to indulge Harry and his feelings, but. “You have to give him time, Harry. He... It's just got a lot on his shoulders right now. Give him time," Niall frowns, looking over to find Harry spread out on the sofa in nothing but his flannel sleep pants. Niall throws his phone at Harry aiming for his dick, "and go put on some fucking clothes please, we have work to do."

They run through their songs. Once, twice, three times and it doesn't trigger Harry's memory once. He's starting to pick up on the harmonies though, the chord changes and such but it's doing nothing to bring back the old Harry; the charismatic charmer who could own a stage no matter if there were 5 or 50,000 in the audience. Because Harry knows they can't go out and perform until he finds that magic again, everyone would see right through him. It’s too much to think about right now.

They take a break, watch some TV, eat some shit food before Niall forces harry to take a nap and rest _‘or else Lou will kill me, this is not a joke.’_ He’s still sleeping in the guest bedroom and he can tell Niall wants to ask why but Harry's grateful he doesn't. The medicine he's prescribed knocks him out for hours at a time and when he wakes up Niall is gone and Louis is on the sofa downstairs watching TV, small frame covered in a blanket. Harry can almost see his Louis lying there for just a second before Louis notices him and looks over with a tired smile. He pats the spot on the sofa next to him.

They don't talk much. Louis mentions that their rating are on track to be the highest they've been since Fearne came back from maternity leave and that they bought a new kettle for the office kitchen. Harry tells him that Niall tried to do a headstand in the studio and instead fell and kicked, therefore ruining, a £7,000 microphone. Louis just chuckles, obviously used to their antics. Harry loves to watch him laugh. Loves to watch his eyes wrinkle while he covers his mouth with his palm. Harry finds himself almost reaching out to touch Louis but fights the urge.

Louis can't stop shifting around though. Stretching out his neck or shuffling his legs and Harry just wants to grab his knees and hold him still but instead pulls Louis’ so they're draped over his thighs. Louis tenses at the movement but Harry keeps a casual look on his face and eventually Louis relaxes against the pillows of the sofa.

"Y'alright?" Harry asks when Louis continues to shift around.

"Yeah, yeah. Just, y'know, getting fat and all is wrecking me poor bones." Louis says it with a silly smile and a roll of the eyes but harry doesn't think he's joking, not at all.

"You're not fat, Lou. You're pregnant."

"Yeah, no, I know. I was kidding. I just, my ankles are getting all fat and shit and it's not fun. Being pregnant is not very fun at all, really. My arse is like, twice the size. Can barely fit in my chair at work. Fearn loves it, of course, payback from all my jokes when she was big as a house I guess."

Louis' not really talking to Harry, just rambling on as he continues to watch TV. Harry feels lost.

"I, um--" Harry coughs into his fist. "I think you look quite lovely, actually."

Louis looks over at Harry and shifts in his lap but Harry gently circles his fingers around his knees so he can't pull away.

"I know- I can't imagine being pregnant is any fun so I won't even try to sugar coat it but I think what you're doing is incredible and, and-- God. I think you look amazing. I really do. And I guess, um. I want to say thank you, for doing... this." _This. Being with me. Marrying me. Having children with me. Loving me._

Louis shifts in Harry's lap but it's more from the flush of his skin than discomfort. Harry nearly preens.

"Of course, Harry. We have... We have a life together. We're going to have a family together." He pauses, reaching for Harry's clammy hand and settling it on his stomach.

"I promise to be here for you, if that's- I don't want you to worry about anything like that, okay? I'm here. And I'm so excited..."

Louis grins at that, nodding his head before he flattens Harry's much larger hand against his stomach. "Yeah, me too."

Harry is amazed at how large his hand is against Louis. It's incredible thinking a child - _his child_ \- is in there just swimming around. It's terrifying and exhilarating all at the same time and when Harry feels the baby press against him he grins, tapping his fingers in response. He looks up at Louis who's watching him closely before replacing his hand and waiting for another kick.

"Incredible," Harry meets Louis' fond eyes before leaning down and pressing his cheek to Louis' belly. "Absolutely incredible."

\--

Harry hears Louis on the phone downstairs when he wakes up, voice mumbled through the walls as he stretches out his limbs. It’s still early, Louis won’t leave for work for another hour so Harry heads for the shower.

It’s the guest shower. None of the towels match and Niall’s cologne is sitting on the counter from the millions of times he must have stayed over. Harry refuses to make it his own. Refuses to accept the guest room as his own. On his second morning home he woke up to find Louis had laid out his toothbrush and grooming kit in the guest room and he sulked for the rest of the day, even when Liam came over to go over his schedule changes and play fifa.

So yeah, Harry refuses to use the good shampoo and conditioner Louis had put in the shower for him because this isn’t his shower. Takes the organic mango body wash Louis put on the shower shelf and hides it behind the cheap winter spring stuff he found sitting under the sink. It’s like, a silent protest or something. Because they never talked about Harry staying in the guest room. Louis never asks and Harry always wants him to. Harry wants him to ask why, demand he comes sleep with Louis and cuddling him for days at a time but he hasn’t and it drives Harry insane when they make their way up the stairs at night and Louis walks away and closes the door.

Harry doesn’t hear the shower door open from under the shower head but he feels the chilly burst of air his the skin of his back. He turns and can’t help the confused grin that takes over his face because Louis’ standing there with wide, pretty eyes and a huge smile and Harry feels as dopey as he must look. It all happens so fast Harry can’t think straight as Louis walks right into the shower and up to Harry, pulling him down by a strong hand on his neck and kissing him.

Louis is shaking, fingers trembling as they pull at Harry’s hair. The wind is knocked out of him and he stumbles forward into Louis’ body, skin slippery with soap as the steaming hot water spills between them, soaking Louis but he doesn’t seem to care. Harry moans into the kiss, Louis’ mouth is hot and needy as he opens for Harry, pulling him apart with each suck of his tongue. But it’s over as soon as it starts, before Harry can grab at Louis’ soaked t-shirt he’s pulling away, small hands on Harry’s chest as he pushes him off.

Louis’ smile is gone, instead replaced with a look of confusion and mild horror as he brushes his wet hair out of his eyes and frantically searches Harry’s face for something. Louis frowns, taking a step back as Harry reaches for him again but his hands are up defensively and Harry deflates, confused and turned on and terrified.

Louis’ face falls, eyes wet and chin trembling as he shakes his head silently, turning around and stepping out of the shower. He leaves Harry half hard and speechless as he runs out of the bathroom.

Harry finds Louis pacing around the smaller man’s bedroom.

“Lou… are you alright? Was I- I’m so sorry. For whatever I did-”

“No, don’t. It’s not your fault, alright? None of this is your fault… I just. I'm sorry.You were singing and I...." He turns away looking absolutely mortified, pulling a soft looking sweater over his new, dry clothes.

“I was so distracted, I wasn’t even paying attention. I was singing? I’m sorry, Louis. Please. I-” Harry wraps his towel tighter around his hips and sits down carefully on Louis’ bed watching him move around the room; tucking his hair behind his ear and biting at his nails as he tries to pretend Harry’s not watching him.

Louis shrugs as he sorts through his sock drawer, face schooled to a blank expression. None of his socks match. "You sing the same song in the shower. Like, every morning. I... I thought your memory came back or something."

Harry lays back against the unmade sheets, chest rising and falling as he tries to remember the song or where he first heard it but he draws a blank. It’s some old song he must have picked up watching a movie or something but nothing comes forward. He doesn’t even know the name of it, just random lyrics. Harry closes his eyes and inhales deeply, the smell of Louis and images of his small body curled up in these sheets making Harry feel dizzy.

"I don't know..."

"Maybe showers trigger your memories? Or music?"

"Or you?" Harry mumbles to no one.

"Sorry?"

Harry bites his bottom lip and pushes himself to sit back up. Louis is picking through his chest of drawers looking fragile and exhausted and Harry just wants to pull him into his lap and bury themselves into the sheets for the rest of the day. He reaches out but immediately pulls back.

"I said maybe you trigger my memories. I was thinking about you, in the shower.” It's quiet for a few moments as Louis looks everywhere but at Harry.

"You look at me... different."

Harry frowns. His back curls over as he spreads his legs and rests his laced hands between his thighs.

"It’s not a bad thing," Louis mumbles softly, continuing to look through his drawer as he shifts his weight from one foot to another. He looks so beautiful right now, skin pale and his lips bitten red with his nerves. _I know what you taste like_ , Harry thinks. "It’s… just different. It’s like...”

 _Awe._ Harry thinks. _I’m in awe of you._

"And you kissed me... you haven't kissed me like that in years."

Louis’s plucks two mismatched socks from the drawer and walks out of the room before Harry can even swallow his shock.

\--

Harry goes to his first doctor’s appointment with Louis. Their gynecologist is informed that Harry’s having memory issues so she talks him through it. Louis’ very quiet the whole time, just watching Harry and gauging his reaction.

Harry asks a million questions, asks about Louis’ health and his diet and the doctor and Louis joke about Louis sneaking avocado’s and Harry’s favorite dark chocolate from the fridge every night. Harry pouts.

“What’s that face for?” Louis smiles.

“Don’t like avocados,” Harry mumbles, nose nearly touching the screen as he watches his baby move around happily. “Taste like mush or else I would join you on your late night excursions. Nevermind, now.”

It’s quiet and when Harry notices he looks back to find Louis’ looking distraught. “Lou?”

Harry’s by his side, Louis’ small palm pressed between his hands as he tries to get Louis to look at him but he looks… angry.

“You hate avocados? Harry, you ate avocados last night.”

Harry blushes, glancing up at the doctor as she pretends not to listen to them, continuing to move the wand around Louis’ gelled belly and take pictures to print out for them. “I- I didn’t. I smashed them up and spread them around the plate so you wouldn’t notice. I just don’t like avocado Lou, it’s no big deal. More for you now, yeah? Love…” Harry trails off as Louis yanks his hand away from Harry and starts to cry.

Harry should be used to Louis’ mood swings by now but he’s just… not. It’s always hot one minute and cold the next. “Lou, I’m sorry. I- Louis I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I’m not upset, Harry.” He snaps, fiercely wiping at his eyes and refusing to look at Harry. “It’s just… have you been lying to me for years?”

“Lou-”

“I mean, I give you avocado all the time. We love avocados. You almost planted an avocado tree in the garden last year even though we both knew they’d never grow. Why are you doing this right now? I just don’t understand, why are you lying- have you been lying to me this whole time-”

Before Harry can speak Dr. Whitmore clears her throat and turns towards them, smile big and bright on her face. “You have quite the active little one here!”

It pulls Louis’ attention away immediately and Harry sends her a grateful smile for saving him. Louis grips his thigh while trying to lean forward and get a better view of the small computer screen and Harry doesn’t protest, pointedly ignoring Louis brushing away the last of his tears.

As they’re walking out Louis steps away to use the restroom before the trip home and Dr. Whitmore pulls Harry back into the ultrasound room.

“How are you holding up?”

Harry's shoulders drop, shaking his head at a loss for words. How is he holding up? _How is he holding up?_ He doesn’t think mentioning Louis’ increasing mood swings is necessary after his tearful fit on the doctor’s bed so he just shrugs.

“He’s going through a lot, as you know. You both are. But his blood pressure is a little high, Harry. It’s nothing to worry about,” she rushes, seeing Harry’s eyes start to bulge, “he’s perfectly healthy but I need you to continue keeping him calm and relaxed. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes, of course. Anything.”

“Good,” she smiles, amused at Harry’s eagerness but seemingly not surprised. “And he doesn’t mean it, you know. When he lashes out or takes things to heart, he doesn’t mean it. He loves you and you love him. It’s just his hormones going haywire so be patient with him, okay?”

“Yeah, course,” Harry nods as Dr. Whitmore steps away from him to gather her things meets him at the door. Louis pops up then, chewing through a cup of ice and blushing as he pulls his beanie down over his ears and avoiding Harry’s concerned eyes. Harry hates it when they fight so he kisses Louis hot cheek and thanks Dr. Whitmore before leading them out.

\--

“I’m sorry, Harry.”

“No. Don’t even apologize. It was nothing, we were both emotional.” Harry glances over, palm reaching out to hold Louis’ hand as they makes their way out of the hospital parking structure.

“You cried.” Louis mumbles but there’s a softness to his voice, teasing.

“I- I did.” Harry smirks, biting his bottom lip and forcing himself not to stare at Louis the entire drive. “I saw our baby. For the first time. I’m an emotional wreck right now, actually. I want to bounce off the walls and hide under the covers all at the same time. It’s just an indescribable feeling. We’re having a baby. It’s just the most amazing thing, Lou.”

The next time Harry looks over Louis’ already watching him. His face soft and fond as he entwined their fingers, resting their joined hands on his thigh.

“It is.”

Harry drops Louis off at work after that, uselessly begging Louis to come home instead and rest but Louis just scoffs and squishes Harry’s pouting face with his hand as he jumps out of the car laughing. Harry grumbles but before he pulls himself together to pull away from the curb there’s a knock on his window and Louis’ standing there. Last nights rain is still streaking down his window as he rolls it open.

Louis’ been in the cold air for just seconds yet his nose is already pink and he’s pulling at his beanie like he always does and he looks so young and happy Harry’s heart tries to crawl out of his chest at the sight. Louis shrugs, looking shy and coy as he shifts his weight next to Harry’s car before looking up and locking their eyes.

“Thank you. For this morning… for being there.”

Harry feels cold lips against his cheek, reaches out to pull Louis back in and melt into the warmth of his ugly oversized jacket but he’s too late. He quickly looks out the other window as he watches Louis waddle through the sliding glass doors of his building never looking back.

\--

Harry wakes extra early the next morning even though he knows Louis won't rise for another hour or two and lays out his plan before grabbing the house keys and running through the door. It feels like he bought the entire store as he lugs it home the few short blocks but when he unloads and lays everything out he decides it's worth it.

Harry starts to cook.

There's a full English set when he's done. Oh and plates and plates of eggs line the counters: omelettes, scrambled, Benedict, sunny side up, on toast, every egg style he could find a recipe for. There's toast and bagels, bacon and sausage. Three kinds of waffles and a platter of pancakes are stacked near the five varieties of syrup, jam and honey while glasses wait on the table next to coffee, their entire tea cabinet and every bottle of juice they had in the store.

It looks like a presentation for 20 when Louis finally rolls out of bed, sleep warm and groggy. He stops when he rounds the corner into the kitchen and blinks himself awake at the display.

"Harry?"

Harry's standing in the middle of the kitchen with baked beans in his hair and blueberry syrup on his chin. Louis starts to laugh hysterically.

"Are you--" Louis holds up his hand as he leans against the counter to catch his breath. "Are you mad? What is all of this?"

"I wanted to say I was sorry for upsetting you yesterday."

Louis is still laughing softly as he steps further into the kitchen. "You didn't have to cook me everything we have in our pantry, darling."

"I was thinking..." Harry bites his lip, coming up to Louis and pulling out the chair for him to sit down. Louis picks up a sausage link and moans as he bites into it. "I don't even know what I like, how ridiculous is that?"

Louis blinks up at him and Harry watches him swallow. "That's... There's nothing wrong with that, Harry. You don't remember a lot of things."

"That's the thing!" Harry bubbles over, beginning to pile a plate high for Louis as he watches on fondly. "I want to know, even the stupid stuff. I want to know everything, I don't want to have to wait till it all comes back. I was thinking... I was thinking maybe we could like, start over."

"Start over?" Louis questions with a full mouth. For some reason Harry thinks it's cute.

"Yeah, start over. Me and you. Find out what we like... I want to get to know you. Again. Get to know myself with you."

Louis seems absolutely charmed when he agrees and Harry preens from the attention.

"And I really am sorry I hurt your feelings yesterday." Harry leans down and leaves a chaste kiss on Louis' bulging cheek as he chews and his chest swells when he see's the blush crawling up his neck. Harry picks a piece of avocado from Louis’ fry up and drops it in his mouth. He grimaces but swallows, displaying his empty tongue to an amused Louis who just rolls his eyes from behind his tea mug. Louis makes a joke that he's not doing the dishes and it's probably the best morning Harry's had in awhile.

\--

When Harry does the dishes later that morning, Louis crowds him against the sink with his arms around Harry’s waist and his cheek pressed between his shoulder blades. Harry tenses, wet fingers gripping at the edge of the sink as he waits for Louis to make a move. But he doesn’t. Louis stands behind Harry, small fingers digging into his side until he finishes the dishes and Harry makes sure not to jostle him too much. Doesn’t want him to let go. Doesn’t want to ever forget the feeling of Louis’ body against his. Louis never mentions it and after awhile he pulls himself away from Harry and disappears to work on reviewing tapes for his show.

\--

Louis is getting bigger everyday. He’s not particularly huge like some women get, much to Harry’s surprise, but it’s still all very exciting. Harry tapes every single ultrasound to the fridge and has taken to quietly adding new classical tracks to Louis’ ipod so the baby is always stimulated. Mozart, Bach, Hildegard and Haydn. Louis loves Debussy. He will never admit it, always pretends to complain and blame it on their unborn child every time Harry catches him like that first night in the kitchen but Harry can tell. Louis will be folding clothes and Harry will hear him humming from down the hall, watch his delicate wrists glide through the air as if conducting his greatest piece.

Harry loves it. He loves when Louis let’s down his guard and goes into baby mode. Loves when he finds articles pulled up on Louis’ computer about organic tear free soap and the safest prams. Loves when he goes to hang Louis’ hideous jacket up -which it turns out is actually an old jacket of Harry’s but Louis feigns innocence when Harry brings it up and maybe Harry doesn’t think it’s so ugly anymore- and color swatches for the nursery fall out of his pocket. Loves when he walks out into the back garden and Louis is asleep on the lounge, _What To Expect When You’re Expecting_ resting on his chest.

It stirs up something deep and paternal within Harry. Like when he spends hours trying to build the baby’s crib to surprise Louis only to have to give up and ask Liam to come around and help him; Liam promises never to tell. Or when they’re watching TV together, X Factor keeping Louis so enthralled he doesn’t protest when Harry lifts his legs onto his lap so he can massage Louis’ feet. Or when Louis falls asleep on Harry’s chest, head nestled into his neck and lips softly murmuring against his skin as he dreams. Times like that, Harry’s allowed to rub his belly all he wants. He just wants to do things for Louis, take care of him and protect him and make sure he’s happy.

It feels animalistic sometimes, this constant need for Louis’ approval and attention. He always wants to touch the smaller boy, smell his shampoo and feel the butter soft fabric of his pajamas. He has to hear his voice on the radio every morning and look into his tired eyes every night and every inch Louis gives him lights him on fire. Because it’s a constant reminder that this is real. Louis is his husband and they’re having a baby together and this is Harry life. This is reality.

But sometimes it’s cold. Sometimes Louis won’t let Harry touch him, not even to help him up into the car and it knocks a block off of Harry’s growing confidence in their relationship. When they go to bed and Louis leaves him at the top of the stairs as they go to separate rooms. When Louis calls for Zayn when he needs something Harry can do for him. When he looks at Harry and Harry can feel his disappointment, can feel him wishing and hoping that his Harry would come back.

When he can hear Louis crying in his bedroom, the door locked.

\--

Harry takes the stairs two at a time as he rushes through the house, shirt sticking to his skin with sweat from his run around the neighborhood. He has to tell Louis what happened to him, about the little boy whose jaw dropped when he saw him this morning and proceeded to follow him on his bike for four blocks until Harry finally asked where the little boy lived and returned him home to his frantic mother. Harry yanks the headphones out of his ears as he makes his way along the upstairs hallway to Louis’ ( _their, it’s their_ ) bedroom when he stops short just inside the open door.

Louis doesn’t see him there as he stands in front of the tall mirror in the far corner. He’s naked sans a long flannel bathrobe that looks like it probably belongs to Harry and is falling off his shoulders. He looks so small, belly bulging between his hips but his legs and arms are still so thin, his collar bones sharp and collecting shadows in the sunset lit room. His skin is ghostly pale in the dim bedroom and Harry’s breath catches as he takes him in.

Louis is so beautiful, wide hips and small hands almost feminine like as Harry watches him slowly trace his palms over his body. Circling the curve of his belly and squeezing at the plumpness of his thighs. Louis has scars inking his skin, stretch marks pulling at his hips and belly; bright pink rips marking his skin like a gorgeous abstract sketch.

He doesn’t look like the solid, strong Louis he see’s every night though. He looks defenseless here, raw and open as his eyes roll over his body and taking in the daily changes. His cock, thick and soft, hangs between his legs, sprouting a soft patch of brown hair as Louis rubs over his stretched tattoos, fingers lingering at the pale skin on the inside of his thighs. It suddenly feels so erotic, the room much smaller than before as Harry pulls in a deep breath breath.

There’s a wet gasp that pulls Harry’s eyes back up to Louis’ face and he stills. Louis is crying, a distraught sob pushing past his lips as he quickly wraps the bathrobe around his body to cover himself up. His skin is flushed with embarrassment and Harry can’t think of anything to say as Louis begins to panic, frantically searching around the room for a place to run and hide as Harry puts his palms up, trying to disarm him.

“Shit, I didn’t mean--”

“Get out!”

Louis is screaming. Tears slipping down his face as he throws a pillow across the room at Harry to keep him from coming closer. He looks mortified, gasping for air as he tries to pull the robe tighter and tighter across his trembling frame. His hands grasping at his shoulders as he starts to shake.

“It’s okay!” Harry tries to say calmly, “It’s okay, Louis-- please.”

“Get out, Harry!” His voice is high and pleading as he runs into his bathroom, locking the door before Harry can reach him. He can hears his cries echoing from the marble tiles.“Please. Please, please just get out. Please leave me alone”

Harry feels sick to his stomach, fingers running through his hair as he tries to pick up the pieces from how quickly everything went to shit. He steadies himself, knuckles white as he forces himself not to punch a hole through the wall, stomach ready to purge itself as Louis’ cries ring through the room. After what feels like forever waiting for Louis to calm down only to be met with tearful pleas for him to go, Harry leaves him there, one hand steadying himself against the wall as he makes it back to his room. He throws up everything in his stomach, eyes burning as he cries into the toilet seat.

He’s so stupid. He’s so fucking stupid. He can’t think of anything else as he showers, standing under the water for so long his skin is raw. He can’t even look at himself when he steps out. He knows his eyes are red rimmed and pathetic and he can’t even feel sorry for himself because he’s so disgusted. Disgusted with himself for violating Louis like that, upsetting him. Eavesdropping on such an intimate thing. He hates himself for not seeing it sooner, seeing how Louis was handling his changing body. He see’s Louis’ face when he closes his eyes, embarrassed and disgusted in himself and it makes Harry want to be sick all over again.

Harry should be telling him how beautiful he is every single day. Should be holding him and kissing him and praising him for giving him this incredible life and this incredible gift and Harry hasn’t. He’s let his boy down. He’s failed Louis.

Harry brushes his teeth, avoiding his face in the mirror and quickly turning off the light when he’s done. He doesn’t know what to do, pacing the room back and forth. Should he leave? Go kip with Niall until Louis tells him he’s worthy to come back home? Should he go talk to Louis? Break down his door and tell him he’s beautiful and that his body is beautiful and that Harry loves him?

Because Harry _loves_ him. He thinks about it every single day, watches Louis make tea for them in the morning and thinks, _I love you_. Watches Louis mix their light and dark color clothes in the wash and thinks, _I love you_. Watches Louis care for his boys-- adding the latest episode of Bob’s Burgers to Liam’s ipad, fixing that one curly piece of hair that sometimes falls out of place from Zayn’s perfect slicked back haircut, feeding Niall even though it probably costs them as much as their mortgage every month and Harry thinks, _I love you. I’m so in love with you._

He wants to kick himself. Instead he pulls on a pair of sweatpants and leaves his room, determined to talk to Louis. Determined to make this right. When he gets to the end of the hallway Louis’ door is locked and the lights are off but Harry can hear him on the other side, voice barely above a whisper when Harry stills and presses his ear to the door.

“ _He hates me._ I’m- I’m disgusting, Zayn. He hates me.” Louis’ voice is a wreck and Harry reaches for the door handle, ready to break the door down and show Louis every single way that he’s wrong before Louis keeps talking. “No, it’s true. This is never going to work. I knew it, I told you.”

Zayn must be talking on the other end of the phone because it’s quiet for a few moments as Harry’s left reeling.

_This is never going to work. I knew it. I told you._

“This isn’t what he wants, Zayn. You should have seen his face, it was- it was horrible. He looked so disappointed- he saw everything! He saw- he hates me, Zayn. He wakes up and he’s rich and famous and can have anyone in the world and this is what he has to come home to? I’m a fat, hormonal mess right now. No one would pick this, Zayn. No one in their right mind would stay if they were in his position, I’d be a fool to expect anything else.” It’s like Louis can’t stop talking if he tried, every fear rolling off his tongue toxic and painful. “He deserves so much better than me, someone fit and exciting and not-- He probably doesn't even want to be with me. What if he’s only staying because he thinks he has to? Oh my God, he feels trapped. I’ve trapped him... I can’t even look at myself-- no, Zayn-- This is never going to work!”

Harry wants to kick the door down but he doesn’t, because it wouldn’t fix anything. Because he knows that nothing he says is going to make Louis feel better right now and that’s his fault. That’s his weight to bear and the idea of tackling that right now makes Harry wobble on his feet. Because it should have never got to this point. He’s been so worried about Louis’ boundaries and not overwhelming him that he’s completely isolated him and left him abandoned in this entire process. He should have been taking care of Louis not only physically but emotionally.

There’s a pause and Harry sags against the door, tears clouding his eyes as he bites back his labored breaths and waits for Louis to speak again.

“I’m holding him back. I’m trapping him. He’s going to leave me…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you miss me?


	3. Chapter 3

When Louis finally wakes the next morning, Harry’s been up for hours. He listens to Louis shuffle around upstairs, preparing for when he eventually makes his way to the kitchen. He has Louis’ tea cooling at the table when he finally walks in.

Louis looks miserable. Eyes puffy and low, his hair's a mess; Harry catching him before he’s pulled on his usual beanie. His skin is dull and he’s wearing a moth eaten brown jumper with too-big faded black jeans and overall he looks so unhappy. Harry bites his tongue, fighting the urge to reach out and pull Louis into him but he knows that won’t help, not right now.

Louis avoids his eyes, pinching at his lips and simply nodding as he sits down in front of his tea. He sighs as the weight of his body relaxes in the chair, one hand on his swollen belly as he weakly mumbles a thank you to Harry.

“Let me- may I take you to work today?”

Louis looks up but he doesn’t look at Harry. “Why? You don’t have to.”

“I want to, please. If it’s alright with you? You love your job and-- and I would like to see it. Meet Fearn, the team.” Louis doesn’t say anything, face pulled into a frown as he stares down at the table thinking. Harry tries to recover quickly, “Or not? I could just drive you. To work. Drop you off. I have to go over to Zayn’s anyway and you’ll be on the way. I just.. wanted to--”

“No, it’s fine. It’s just… like, I don’t want them to know about your condition, you know? You used to come to work with me all the time. It’s not a big deal at all, but they’ll know something’s going on, I think.”

Harry nods, understanding. He can’t say he’s not disappointed and it must show on his face because Louis sighs, setting his mug down on the table.

“No, you know what, it’s fine. Yeah, it’s fine. Come on, we’ll just make it quick. Are you ready?”

Harry nearly trips in his haste to jump up from his chair. He’s ready, of course, nodding as he picks up Louis’ now empty tea and dumping the cup in the sink. Louis makes his way to the front closet as Harry grabs his bag and meets him there, helping him pull the ugly jacket over his shoulders before pulling his scarf from the hook and handing it to him. Harry catches the blush on Louis’ cheeks but neither of them say anything as Harry runs out to Louis’ Range Rover and starts it, blasting the heat so it won’t be as freezing by the time Louis makes it to the car.

They don’t talk, not about anything important. Louis listens to the Morning Show drifting from the radio and Harry catches a faint smile on his lips as he watches Harry sing along when one of his own songs starts to play. It’s a short drive and when they arrive Louis tells him where to park before they sit in the car for a few moments.

“You should know-” Louis starts, taking in a deep breathe before squaring his shoulders and finally, _finally_ looking up at Harry. A surge of emotions heat his skin “You and Nick are actually really good friends. Been friends for years now and- and I need you to remember that, okay?”

Harry’s listening. Kind of. Not really. He’s watching Louis nervously lick at his lips but he nods in agreement when Louis stops talking and frowns as him.

“Yeah... are you going to be late?”

Louis jumps at that, grabbing his bag in his hand before slipping out of the car. Harry follows him, pulling up the hood of his jacket when Louis instructs him to so any lingering paparazzi don’t see him and make a scene. They make it inside the building easily enough and though Harry’s had pretty limited interaction with the general public since he’s woken up he’s grateful no one in the office looks at him funny.

They’re used to seeing him around, it seems. People he doesn’t know wave at him and say hi and give Louis hugs and kisses and it’s nice. Louis’ shoulders are a little less tense when a young woman runs up to him, taking his bag and jacket from his hands before disappearing to fetch him tea. Louis seems in his comfort zone here, like he knows what he’s doing as he leads Harry past random clusters of cubicles and rattles off about meetings and if they’ve secured some band Harry’s never heard of for next week’s show.

Harry’s heart swells with pride because this is Louis’ job. A job he’s very good at and respected for and everyone always talks about Harry and his accomplishments, his awards and plaques line the walls of their house, but right now he’s watching Louis in his element and it’s so wonderful. His boy is so wonderful-

“Haz?”

Harry snaps back at that, schooling his love sick face into attention as Louis motions him into his office. _Louis has an office_. His _husband_ is a _professional_. Harry can see fancy flag lined buildings from his window and there are awards everywhere and Louis’ desk is a mess of course but right there, next to his phone, is a picture of Harry. Both of them really, they’re on the beach somewhere, Louis skin is sun kissed and golden and Harry’s wearing a giant sombrero and they look drunk and happy and so in love.

Harry walks around Louis office as the smaller man settles in his chair and starts to boot up his computer. Louis has a signed picture of David Beckham on his wall _‘To Lou, with Love -David B’_ and it’s framed in a dark mahogany wood frame and everything. Harry laughs to himself, thinking of how obsessed Louis’ always been with the football player before he turns to continue exploring his office. There’s a picture of Louis and a pretty blonde woman with every celebrity Harry can think of. Pictures of Louis backstage at awards shows, in Ibiza with no shirt on taking pictures with Robbie Williams, holding babies and kissing puppies and baking cupcakes with Skrillex for charities and Harry’s hit with this sense that Louis’ lived this whole other life that Harry literally knows nothing about.

When Louis first mentioned that he worked in radio Harry though it was so cool.

“I‘m just a producer, Haz. No glamour, unlike yourself popstar. They’re lucky if I come in wearing real trousers most days, honestly.”

But this is something completely different. Louis’ not just a producer, he’s the Executive Producer for one of the biggest radio shows in the UK. Louis spends so much time talking about Harry and his awards and how important his job is that he’s never mentioned just how good he is at his own. Harry would be upset if he didn’t want kiss him and spill all of his pride into his mouth.

“Yes, darling. Be there in a mo’,” Louis mumbles into his phone before hanging up and finishing an email.

“Louis, this is amazing.”

Louis looks up, reluctantly dragging his eyes away from his computer screen to frown at Harry. “Huh?”

“This!” Harry spreads his arms to gesture to Louis’… everything. “This is incredible, Lou. Seriously, I’m so proud of you.”

Louis’ eyes go wide and he blushes, skin pretty and pink as he rubs at his belly. Harry watches as his shoulders relax and he goes to pull his beanie down over his ears. The motion is so expected Harry wants to touch him. “Oh, um. Thanks, H. Thank you.”

“You never told me it was like--”

“Fearne’s looking for you, Lou. Oh, Harry- so sorry,” the woman from before walks in, headset in her ear and Louis’ tea rattling in her hands. “They’re in the studio, when you’re ready.”

“Thanks, Sher.” Louis nods, once again turning back to his computer screen to finishing typing up something before he puts both palms flat on his desk and hoists his body up. Harry’s at his side immediately, hands on his hips to steady him and Louis doesn’t pull away. Instead Louis smiles gratefully, looking tired and fragile as he pats Harry’s hands on his sides, picking up a stack of folders on his desk and heading to the studios.

Harry follows him like a puppy, watching Louis playfully pat people’s heads as they walk past desks and biting down on his grin when two different women come up to Louis to gush about how cute he looks pregnant and glowing. Harry wants to crowd up against Louis’ back and live there. Remind the girls that’s his baby growing inside of Louis, making his skin glow. Wants to wrap his arms around Louis’ waist and waddle with him up and down the hall.

“What is going on with you today, are you sick or something? Should I call your doctor?” Louis’ looking up at him now, gushing girls no where to be seen, eyelashes fanning the purple under his eyes and Harry can’t help it. He steps up to Louis, crowding their bodies close right there in the middle of the walkway as he grips the back of his neck and pulls their foreheads together. Harry closes his eyes and feels Louis exhale against him. Louis’ free hand goes to rest at the dip of Harry’s waist. Harry doesn’t know what he’s doing but he can feel Louis presses up against his front, can smell his herbal shampoo and the press of the knit of his beanie and somehow it’s not enough.

“You two really are the worst, have I told you that this morning?”

Louis jumps away first, body swaying as it looks like he’s just been shocked and his files go flying to the floor. Harry’s on his knees before the papers go everywhere. The woman, blonde and beautiful and the same in most of Louis’ pictures starts cackling from where she’s standing, body half outside the studio door.

“Fearn-- Jesus!” Louis huffs, small hands rubbing over his face and, as usual, messing with the beanie on top of his head.

She ignores Louis, obviously used to his dramatics. “Hello Harry Styles, you alright?”

Harry looks up, Louis’ folders messy but together in his hands as he stands up and takes it all in. Fearn. Fearne. Fearne Cotton the woman he’s watched on telly since he was a kid. Fuck.

“Fea- Fearn-e, yes. Right. Hello, I’m alright. You? You doing... alright?”

Louis chuckles into his shirtsleeve and Harry shoots him a glare as Fearne starts laughing all over again.

“Strange. You are so very strange, come in please we’ve got live radio to do, don’t you know. Can’t have you out here knocking up my producer- oh wait.”

Louis is laughing, the light slowly coming back to his eyes as he glances at Harry quickly before pushing Fearne into the studio as they whisper to each other like gossiping school girls. Once again Harry feels so far out of his element but he has to remind himself that it’s just Louis’ element now, he can do this.

He follows the duo into the dark studio, it’s mainly empty except for two men sitting at the microphones having a conversation about some celebrities recent rehab stint as they wrap up the morning show to get ready for Fearne to come on. Harry doesn’t know what to do with himself so he just stands by the door, Louis’ folders in his hands. It’s dark in the studio, the BBC Radio One logo in neon lights off in the corner and there are computers and audio equipment everywhere.

Louis’ at his side then, knocking their hips together and easing the files out of Harry’s hands so he can set them aside on the table before leading Harry over to the couches hidden against the wall.

“You sure you’re alright? I can be home as soon as the show’s over or if you need Zayn to take you to the doctor?”

“I’m fine, promise. Just… distracted I guess. It’s a lot, your world.”

Louis quiet, just watching Harry in that way of his -half curious half fond- that leaves Harry’s skin buzzing. It’s been a whirlwind 24 hours for them and they do need to talk about it, and they will. But right now Louis looks happy, at his job with his friends and he even seems happy to have Harry there so he counts it as a win.

“Popstar!”

Harry jumps at the loud voice and realizes music’s playing over the radio as he looks around the studio quickly before realizing it’s him, they’re talking to him. More specifically, it’s a tall man, older, with a drooping quiff and Northern accent stalking towards Harry with his arms spread wide aiming for a hug. Harry braces for impact and can’t help but smile into the hug as the tall man tackles him on the couch, their long legs kicking around as the man starts to sing a song Harry’s 99% sure is his own. It’s obnoxious and silly and it puts a smile on Harry’s face instantly.

But as soon as the man pulls away Harry frowns, confused, because the man looks so familiar and Harry thinks he’s getting his memories back for a split second before it all clicks.

“Grimshaw. Nick Grimshaw.” Harry feels his body go rigid and tense when he see’s Louis’ eyes go wide. _‘You and Nick are actually really good friends. Been friends for years now. ’_ Nick. Nick Grimshaw. Louis’ boyfriend. EX. Louis’ ex boyfriend, that he ran away to London with. Nick Grimshaw: the twat. Harry scoffs.

“Harry. Harry Styles. Geez, you popstars go missing for a few weeks and it’s like you don’t even remember us little people, right Lou?”

Harry can physically feel his eye twitch at the nickname and he rolls his shoulders as Nick crawls off of him, standing in front of the two men like a kid waiting to hang out with his bestest friends. All excited and happy and innocent. Ugh.

“Harry’s feeling a bit under the weather today, Nick. Do excuse him, losing his voice and all. My poor boy,” Louis strains, trying to make eye contact with Harry. Harry can see the ‘do not act like a crazy fool please’ in Louis’ eyes and he takes a deep breath, trying to relax.

“What have you been doing to him, Lou? Naughty! You know how these pregnant ones get huh, Hazza?”

Louis physically reaches out to restrain Harry, yanking on his arms as Harry goes to stand up. He can’t even explain it right now, he just wants to punch Nick in the face. _Don’t talk about him that way,_ Harry is screaming in his head. _Don’t talk to him at all. Don’t even look at him._ Harry’s skin crawls knowing that Nick’s touched Louis before. Kissed him and held him and now they work together? They see each other every single day? What the fuck. Harry falls back on the couch next to him and Louis plays it off, propping his thigh over Harry’s legs to keep him still.

“Don’t, Nick.” Louis mumbles, ignoring Nick’s put off pout as he trying to pull Harry’s face to look at him, tries to focus his attention. And he does, Louis runs his fingers over Harry’s heated cheek to calm him and Harry’s hand goes straight to Louis’ belly and that’s how they settle. Harry pushes his cheek into Louis’ palm and Louis leans forward to kiss his forehead, mumbling into his hair.

It’s not that Harry’s upset at Louis. He’s not upset at anyone, really. Because obviously in this world they’ve talked about it. In this world he and Nick are somehow actually friends . In this world it’s okay that Louis is friends with and works with one of his ex’s and Harry knows that should comfort him. Harry got to marry Louis, Harry is having a baby with Louis, not nick Grimshaw. So he’s not upset, not really, he’s just jealous. Terrifyingly jealous and insecure and the last thing he wants is to leave Louis here by himself but in this world, he trusts Louis.

But that doesn’t mean he trusts Nick. Fuck that.

“Gotta do the show, love.” Harry sighs, pulling back as Louis’ hand falls down to cover harry’s hand still on his swollen stomach. “You should go see Zayn, handle your stuff then head home and rest. I’ll be home before you know it, yeah?”

Harry nods, glancing over at Nick who’s taking hushed in the corner with someone else before looking back to Louis. He’s smiling. It’s not big and bright but it’s more smug and secret, Harry thinks Louis’ enjoying this. He wants to lean forward and pull Louis bottom lip between his teeth and watch it snap back but instead he nods, adjusting his shirt as Louis pulls his leg from over Harry’s lap so he can get up.

When Harry stands he helps Louis stand too and walks him to his seat as Fearne’s already talking live on the air. He fetches Louis’ files and sets them next to him and Louis grabs his hand, squeezing a thank you as Fearne plugs her first song of the morning. Harry leans down and presses his lips to Louis’ shoulder as a goodbye.

“Looking like you’re about ready to pop, Lou! You look wonderful, love, getting prettier every time I see you.” Nick says to Louis, joining in the conversation he was already having with Fearne as Harry makes his way to the door. But then Harry stops, hand gripping the handle of the door and he should just leave, walk right out and leave because he knows Nick’s not fucking with him. He can tell that Nick’s not being a jerk, it was a genuine and kind comment said to a friend and Harry knows he’s right! Louis _does_ get more handsome every time Harry looks at him but. But.

Harry turns on his heels and he doesn’t realise what he’s doing until he’s stood right in front of Louis and leaning into his space. And Harry kisses him. No cheek. No fleeting touch of lips. Harry pressed into Louis’ body and kisses him like he’s always wanted to. No hesitation. No bullshit. Louis gasps into his mouth and opens up for Harry like he must have done millions of times before. Harry’s right hand cradles the back of Louis’ neck as he leans him back while his left grips his side to keep him from falling from his chair.

Louis’ arms immediately wrap around Harry’s neck, fingers disappearing in his hair and Harry groans into the contact. Louis tastes like tea and his whitening toothpaste as Harry sucks on his tongue and bites at his lips. It feels like a lifetime and Harry only pulls away to catch his breath before kissing Louis again. Dropping a kiss to his swollen bottom lip then pulling back to look at his work. Louis’ eyes are still closed, lips slightly parted as if he’s waiting for Harry to kiss him again, as if they don’t have an audience of two Radio One DJ’s, other producers and probably anyone else looking through the studio windows.

But Harry can’t resist, because Louis’s mouth was made for him. Made to be kissed and he can’t believe he’s gone so long without it. He leans back in, licking over Louis’ lips as he whines into the kiss and the sound goes straight to Harry’s dick. He grips at Louis’ ugly brown jumper, pulling the smaller boy ever closer. Someone clears their throat and Harry pulls away again, pecks Louis’ waiting lips once, twice, three more times before he finally steps back.

Louis’ eyes flutter open and his mouth drops and at the sight Harry can’t help but to lean in one more time and bite at Louis’ pretty pink bottom lip. Harry looks up then, smiling sheepishly at everyone watching them before squeezing Louis’ neck one last time and stepping away from him.

Louis looks like he’s in a daze, watching Harry slowly step away towards the door but his body looks heavy and daze as he just watches him go. Harry waves at the room unable to actually speak because he might start unceremoniously cursing Nick out live on national radio or he might just run back over and thrown Louis over his shoulder and kidnap him so he just points at his throat and shrugs, giving Louis one last look before he slips out of the studio.

\--

“They’re taking the piss out of Lou right now on Radio One. What the hell did you do to him, Harry?” Liam pushes his phone into Harry’s face and there is Louis, red cheeked and looking blissed out on Fearne Cotton’s instagram in what had to be a picture of Louis in the aftermath of their kiss. Harry couldn’t wipe the smile off his face for all the money in the world.

\--

“I’ve been thinking…” Harry mumbles, face half hidden in his bowl of cereal as Louis stands before him in sweatpants and one of Harry’s old hoodies.

“Should I be worried then?” Louis jokes, pulling out the chair next to Harry and sliding down into it. He’s 8 months pregnant, Harry wants him like this forever. On the other hand, Harry is starting to worry about Louis’ small bones. He shakes his head at the thought, looking up at the boy with a frown.

“All good things.”

“Then do tell. Does it involve sausages? Because I like those ideas. Mmm.” Louis grins and Harry feels it right in his gut. Today is a good day. It’s Saturday and they have absolutely nothing to do. Harry leans over and kisses Louis right on the mouth, mid laugh. Louis doesn’t act surprised anymore when Harry does that, kisses him. Harry thanks God for it every night.

“No sausages, love, not this time.” Louis pouts and Harry rubs his thumb against Louis’ bottom lip. “I was talking to my mum and she mentioned a Mummy and Me class. I thought maybe you might be interested?”

“Mummy and me?” Louis asks, standing back up and walking around the kitchen to dig through the fridge. “We all sit around and sing kumbaya and talk about dilating vaginas? No thank you.”

Harry bites his bottom lip, holding in his laugh. “Not exactly, no. More like yoga and stuff, one of those classes. It will help with your growing pains and they teach you breathing exercises and stuff to help with labor. I don’t know, my mum said it helped her and that maybe you would like it.”

Louis pulls back from the fridge and just stares at Harry, a jar of nutella in one hand and a trey of pancetta in the other. Harry wants to grimace but he knows this late in the game not to question Louis’ cravings. “I- I don’t know. I’m not good with that shit, you know? Being one with the universe and that.”

“I would be there with you, of course. We could- I don’t know, I kinda thought we could do it together.”

Harry counts it as a success when Louis finally agrees a week later. He signs them up for a class and Louis grumbles the whole way through that he’ll never be able to touch his toes much to the instructors amusement. Louis huffs as every single mum in the class gawks at Harry, rolling his eyes when they ask for a picture of him holding their belly. Harry takes it in strides but he doesn’t miss the blush that blooms over Louis’ cheeks when Harry has to catch him from falling out of tree pose, hands gripping his sides as soon as Louis starts to sway . Doesn’t miss the way Louis goes pliant when Harry’s behind him while he’s in cat pose, back curled as Harry kneads up his spine with his thumbs.

Louis always comes home slow and settled after their classes. Let’s Harry guide him around and dote on him, running his baths and massaging his tired muscles. Let’s Harry cook him elaborate meals and watch the shitty TV movies he loves so much. Sometimes Harry will take him on a walk as the sun starts to set, will take them to the park near their house so they can watch families run around and make up stories for their lives.

“That kid’s first word was probably potato,” Harry grins, cheek full of strawberries as Louis hides his laugh behind his palm. Harry hates that, hates whenever Louis tries to hid his face or his body. So Harry will pull his hand away and kiss him until he stops trying to turn away. Harry will kiss him until he stops laughing and starts moaning into his mouth. Harry will kiss him until Louis grips his shirt and pulls him closer.

“Do you like your room?” Louis asks casually the next night, “the guest room?” They’re driving back from Zayn and Liam’s house, Harry’s now empty casserole dish sitting in Louis’ lap. Harry turns to look at him, face illuminated by the street lamps they continue to pass. He looks nervous and Harry turns back to the road, fists tightening on the steering wheel.

“Why?”

“I’ve just wondered. You used to hate that mattress is all… back when it was our bed. Did you want me to get you a new one?” Louis refuses to look at Harry, he’s squeezing at his thigh and Harry wants to reach over and cover his hand to make him relax.

“No, it’s fine.”

“Okay.” Louis nods, turning his head to look out of the window.

“That’s not my room, Lou. Those aren’t my things. You know that...”

Louis doesn’t saying anything but turns to watch Harry. He’s chewing on his lip and Harry reaches to place his hand over his jumping thigh. Louis wraps his fingers around Harry’s wrist.

“I sleep in the guest room because that’s what makes you comfortable.”

“It doesn’t-” Louis starts before clearing his throat and looking straight ahead. “I never asked you to stay in the guest room, Harry. You made that decision.”

Harry doesn't’ respond as he turns down their street and parks in front of their house. Louis waits patiently for Harry to turn off the car and walk around to open his door. He leads them into the house, taking Louis’ coat from his shoulders and leaving Louis standing in the foyer as he takes the casserole dish and leaves it in the sink to be washed later.

When Harry walks back Louis’ standing there waiting for him at the base of the stairs, hands fidgeting at his side and Harry pauses at the door frame to watch him. Louis looks on edge, nervous and anxious and Harry can’t figure out why. Can’t comprehend a world where Louis could ever really doubt Harry’s affections, a world where Harry would ever deny him the simplest of things.

“Are you ready for bed?” Harry emerges from the shadows and Louis looks up quickly, nodding as Harry steps forward to kiss him. There’s no heat to it, Louis’ cheek cradled in Harry’s hand as he pecks his dry lips but it helps Louis’s shoulders to ease.

When they land at the top of the stairs Harry stops and Louis takes two steps towards his own room before looking back at Harry with a confused face. “Are you-”

“I made the wrong decision.”

Louis’ face falls at Harry’s words, arms coming to wrap around himself as he takes a step back.

“I made the wrong decision, that first night, and I’ve hated myself ever since. I didn’t want to push you or make you uncomfortable but I’ve never wanted to be in the guest room. I only ever want to be where you are. Louis, please, you have to know that by now.”

\-- 

When Harry wakes up the next morning Louis is watching him. Messy hair atop his head and sleep still in his eyes as he looks down at Harry with his head propped up on his fist. He looks cautious, like the second Harry regains consciousness he’s going to pack up and run. Harry doesn’t run though. He, instead, wraps Louis up in a bear hug, long legs wrapping around his thighs and pulling him back down to the pillows until their cocooned deep within the blankets. Harry kisses Louis’ closed eyelids before they fall back to sleep.

\--

Harry can’t help but flirt. It’s an addiction.

Even when it’s just the two of them, Debussy playing softly through the speakers as Louis directs Harry where, precisely, he wants the changing table in the freshly painted baby’s room. Harry will constantly try to flirt with Louis, pull a smile from his lips or push a laugh past his crinkled eyes. Harry will tell the most stupid jokes--the same jokes Louis’ heard for years but will never tell Harry that. Harry will be his most charming self, complementing Louis all day and long and making sure he never needs for anything. Harry even hears Louis and Fearne talking about mint chocolate chip ice cream on the air and when Louis comes home there are three tubs in the fridge with a bowl and spoon sitting on the counter.

He can’t help but to bury his face in Louis’ neck, leaving small kisses against his clammy skin as Louis pretends to push him away. Can’t keep his hands off of the smaller boy, crowding up against him in the morning as he brushes his teeth. Pushing his hair behind his ear the second he walks into the door. Harry feels this freedom when it comes to Louis. Feels free in his feelings, in his love for the man he’s come to marry and start a family with.

Louis takes it in strides.  

\--

“Do you-” Harry leans closer to Liam trying to seem more casual than he is, palm half over covering mouth. He feels stupid, “Uh.”

Liam looks over, pulling his attention from where he’s dicing an onion for his famous guacamole. They’re at Zayn and Liam’s flat, Louis’ taking a nap upstairs while they can hear Zayn and Niall from the other room talking shit over the murmur of the game.

“Use your words, H.” Liam smirks as he goes back to chopping up his ingredients. Harry shifts his weight to the other foot looking down at his obliterated avocados, his one job in the guacamole prep. The bowl looks like those face masks Gemma would always smear over her face growing up. Harry frowns.

“I have a.. uh, question.”

Liam just nods, scooping up his diced onions with his knife and using his thumb to push them into the mushy avocado bowl. He wipes his hands on the small kitchen rag and turns to Harry.

“Is this a Louis question?”

Harry pinches his bottom lip between his fingers. It’s like… how transparent is he, really? But Liam is used to this, Harry pulling him away to talk about Louis and this whole overwhelming experience but Liam never complains. Bless him.

“I like to think of it more as an _‘am I’m a horrible husband’_ question?”

Liam rolls his eyes with a soft chuckle but points to the kitchen table, telling Harry to go sit down as he pulls two bottles of water from the fridge. Harry’s been on edge for days, everyone can tell.

“Okay,” Liam prompts when he sits down across from Harry, twisting the cap off his bottle. “But first, you’re not a horrible husband, Harry. That’s all up here, yeah?” Liam taps two fingers against his temple. His smile is kind, eyes scrunched up but bright.

Liam is the most patient and empathetic with him of all the boys. It’s not that it’s a secret or anything that he mainly talks to Liam about Louis, it’s just that Niall hates serious conversation and Zayn’s Louis’ best friend so technically he’s off limits. Conflict of interest, Harry thinks. It’s also, and he will never admit it, because he knows Zayn knows Louis better than he ever will.

Harry must be quiet for too long because Liam caps his bottle again and pushes it to the side, leaning forward into Harry’s space. “Everything alright? Something wrong with Lou?”

“No, yeah, he’s fine. Tired and a little grumpy but he’s great. Everything is good, the baby’s healthy and everything.”

Harry feels Liam’s strong hand squeeze at his shoulder, “so what’s going on?”

Harry sits up then, rolling his shoulders back because he’s a grown man with tattoos and a husband and a baby on the way. He’s never been shy about anything in his life and he’s not going to start now. “He’s not sleeping well, is the thing.”

Liam sits there patiently, waiting with a small frown on his brow.

“He just keeps kicking in his sleep and he’s always uncomfortable...”

“Well he is pregnant, mate.” Liam shrugs sympathetically, ignoring the frenzied yelps they hear from Niall and Zayn in the other room.

“And he moans. Every single night, Liam. He moans and he rolls around in the sheets all night long and, I don’t know, it’s driving me crazy. It’s like he’s in pain and it freaks me out and turns me on at the same time?”

“Hmm,” Liam huffs, resting his chin in his hand and looking away. “I’ve never been pregnant mate. I mean… maybe he’s just horny?”  

“You think he’s horny? Has he mentioned anything about it? Has Zayn like...” Harry frowns, leaning back against his chair, “said anything?”

“I mean, it does make sense. Pregnant people are known to be super horny, like, all the time and unless I’ve missed something… you guys haven’t had sex in months?”

Harry bites at his knuckle, avoiding Liam’s eyes because obviously Louis’ told Zayn everything they’ve been going through, everything Harry’s been failing to do, and obviously Liam knows they haven’t had sex. He feels overexposed all of a sudden because this is Louis they’re talking about here. Louis that he clearly hasn’t been satisfying and it’s a mixture of shame and hopelessness that leaves him feeling like a horrible person all over again.

“Right, yeah.” Harry just nods, the skin of his knuckle going white from his teeth.

“Talk to him about it, yeah?” Liam says quickly as Zayn and Niall come walking into the room looking for food. “You never know, this could be just what you guys need.”

\--

It happens again that night, Louis’ leg wrapped tight over his long body pillow while Harry watches. Small fists balled up in the fabric of their sheets, hips jerking in small circles.

It’s not like Harry didn’t think Louis was never horny, that’s ridiculous. Harry’s horny every second of the day around the smaller man. It’s just hearing Liam say it kind of spikes his senses. Louis skin looks soft and pale in the darkness of their bedroom. Harry has to hold his breathe when Louis starts to whine softly into his pillow, hips trying desperately to find something real to rock into.

Harry’s head is resting in his palm, looking down as Louis’ skin starts to glow from his efforts. He looks so beautiful like this though, desperate and face open as his screws up and evens out his features with his dreams. Soft huffs falling from his lips as he hits a spot and drives his clothed cock steadily into the pillow. Harry can’t help but to reach forward and run his fingers through Louis’ sleep wrecked hair. Brushing strands out of his eyes and letting his fingertips drizzle over the shell of his ear. Louis blindly turns his head towards Harry, lips opening and closing as he tries to work himself over.

“Harry,” Louis cries, voice muffled as he turns his face back into the pillows. Harry pulls his fingers back like he’s been burned, feeling his heart start to rabbit through his chest so hard he almost doubles over. “H…”

Louis is visibly hard now, Harry can see his cock tenting his sleep pants and he feels so overwhelmed with it all. Harry wants to touch him, really touch him. Run his hands all over Louis’ small frame, put his mouth on every inch of skin and press him into their fancy mattress, ruin their high thread count sheets. But Louis’ oblivious to any of this and Harry would feel horrible for seeing this incredibly vulnerable side of Louis if he wasn’t high off of just the sight of Louis swimming desperately in their quilts.

Harry leans over and skims his lips just along Louis’ shoulder, the heel of his palm pressing down against his own thickening cock. “‘s okay, Lou. s’okay.”

Louis curls in at the sound of Harry’s voice, mouth falling open silently as he grips the pillow. Harry can’t pull away, pressing in and burying his face in the hot skin of Louis’ neck, kissing at his soft flesh as Louis’ body tenses up suddenly.

Harry pulls back again, eyes wide as he watches Louis’ come in his pajama pants, back curved and thighs trembling against his body pillow. Louis moans sleepy, kneading the sheets like a kitten before his body goes lax and he’s falling back against Harry, searching for his warmth.

Harry feels lightheaded from it all, chest heaving as he looks over at Louis’ still sleeping form. His flannel sleep pants are rough against his cock as he reaches down to firmly grip himself, burying his groan in his pillows. _This man is going to kill me,_ he thinks as he takes a deep breath of the pillows that smell like Louis and squeezes his eyes closed.

He slips out of bed quickly, barely getting the bathroom door closed behind him before he’s arching up against the sink with his pants pushed down to his thighs. It’s all quick pulls and muffled grunts as he works himself over, images of Louis’ chapped lips and small hands over his own sending his knees knocking into the cabinets. He yanks Louis’ dressing gown off the back of the door, balling the fabric up and covering his nose and mouth with it but before his shame can send him reeling his orgasm hits so hard his vision goes white and he’s doubled up over the sink, gasping for air.

He can’t help but stare at himself in the mirror, cheeks burning red and lips bitten raw. He looks completely debauched and a mess, hair sweat slicked to his neck and his hand covered in come. It takes a minute for the the feeling to come back to his legs, a few handfuls of cold water to get his mind working again as he tucks himself back into his pants and hangs Louis’ gown back onto the door. After a few deep breaths he goes back to bed, Louis blindly turning over and reaching out for him when he feels the bed dip from Harry’s weight.

Harry can just feel the wetness when he pushes his bare thigh between Louis’ legs when Louis turns to cuddle into him. They fall asleep together, Harry’s palm spread across the base of Louis’ spine, his small fingers entangled in Harry’s chain necklace. Harry feels so at peace with Louis in his arms, body lax and mind on nothing but the low, even breaths fanning out against his neck.

He’s out within minutes.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what is editing? where they do that at? (hint: not up in here)
> 
> as usual... there are far worse fics on this site but i do hope you enjoy. thank you for going on this journey with me and i hope you've had fun. keep your eyes peeled for a little somethin' somethin' tomorrow...

It’s really not until a few nights later when Louis moans so loud that he _actually wakes himself up_ does Harry realizes Louis might actually need more.

It’s not an every night occurrence, sometimes Louis’ just restless and other nights he writhes in the sheets. Sometimes Harry wakes up and Louis’ wearing completely different sleep pants and can’t make eye contact. Other times they wake up tangled in each others limbs and Harry has to pretend that his dick hasn’t been pressing into Louis’ backside all morning even though they both know. _They both know._

But it’s not until Louis blinks awake, body going rigid in the darkness of their bedroom that it all becomes so real. His breathing is uneven and Harry feels him shift on the bed, watches in the dark as Louis’ small hands spread wide over his bump. It’s like he doesn’t even think, snapping his eyes shut when he feels Louis turn his neck to find him. His pulse is racing, he wants to kick out his legs and scream and grab Louis and run out this strange adrenaline kick he’s experiencing because it’s so exhilarating, watching Louis play this game every night. But this is new, this is real and Harry doesn’t know what to do.

Louis pushes himself out of bed once he decides Harry’s still asleep and closes himself away in the bathroom. Harry lies there trying to calm his nerves, regulate his breathing as he runs his fingers over the warmth Louis’ left in their sheets. But Louis doesn’t come back. There’s no water running, no toilet flushing. It’s deathly silent for the longest time until Harry hears a cut off cry from behind the door and his imagination gets the best of him as he throws his legs over the side of the bed.

Louis’ sobbing. Fat tears rolling down his cheeks as he cries and it’s such a sight when Harry swings the door open. His sleep pants are pushed down just under his cock and he’s gripping the counter, knuckles gone white. When Louis catches sight of Harry he just drops his head, throat sticking as he inhales deeply, fist still pulling on his leaking cock but it’s not helping. Louis can barely reach past his growing belly and his frustration is palpable. Harry wants to touch him, and he tries but Louis shrinks away with a choked off cry..

“Baby…” Harry groans, watching him struggle. Louis’ body visibly trembles from his voice and he moans, curling into himself.

“Lou,” Harry tries again, stepping forward and crowding him up against the counter. He wants to feel him, help him, make up for his neglectful ways this whole time. “Baby, please. Let me...”

Harry doesn’t know what he’s doing. He’s never touched Louis like this before, never seen him like this: desperate and crying and destroyed. He reaches forward, hand gripping Louis’ neck even when he tries to turn away from him. But he doesn’t let him and Louis comes back easily, looking up at Harry through his eyelashes when Harry tilts his chin up. He looks like a mixture of terror, mortification and mind bending lust in one small frame.

“Please, H-” Louis chokes, chewing his lip raw as he tries again to pull his chin out of Harry’s hand but he holds him still, leaning in to press a kiss against his thin lips. Louis responds instantly, arching up and following Harry’s lips when he tries to pull back. Harry’s heart is rabbiting in his chest when he looks down at him, skin flushed pink and his hair sticking to his temples. “Harry.”

It’s like… it’s like it breaks him. This primal urge to claim Louis and satisfy him boils through his veils as he pulls the older man to him, licking into his mouth and running his hands through his hair. He feels like he can’t breathe, suffocating in the thin air of the bathroom and the heat radiating off of Louis’ skin.

“What do you need, baby? What do you want?” Louis just cries, letting go of his leaking cock to grip at Harry’s shoulders, holding himself close. Louis’ belly is in the way and Harry can’t see but Louis won’t stop kissing him, pulling Harry down to him and moaning into his mouth. It’s so much at once and Harry pulls their bodies together but it doesn’t fit, it’s awkward and Louis groans, knees going weak from finally being touched.

Harry turns him around quickly so their both facing the mirror and pulls Louis against him, grinds into Louis’ ass, let’s him feel what he does to Harry; fits their bodies together as Louis pushes back, gripping Harry’s hip so there’s nothing but fabric between them. Louis gasps, sounds bouncing off the walls as he leans forward against the counter, arms bracing himself against the mirror.

“Yeah?” Harry breathes, hand slipping up under Louis’ t-shirt to rub at his tummy and Louis jumps then, quick to pull his shirt back down. Harry frowns, looking at their reflection in the mirror as Louis quickly covers himself. He pulls Louis back, flush against his chest, and they watch each other in the mirror as he dips his hand into Louis’ sleep sweats, pushing the fabric down his thighs until they fall to the floor.

Harry can feel Louis sucking in air, can feel him trying to pull away but Harry holds him still with an arm across his shoulders as he grips Louis’ leaking cock. It’s a soft stroke, not too firm as he rubs the pad of this thumb just under the head and it’s enough to get Louis’ to stop fighting him, to go limp with a high whine jumping from his throat.

“You’re so beautiful,” Harry breathes against the shell of Louis’ ear and he’s greeted with a high pitched whine as Louis’ hips pushing up to meet his fist. He looks so small like this, both at their full height and Harry’s shoulders tower over Louis’ narrow ones. “So fucking beautiful. Look at yourself, Lou. Oh my god.”

Louis doesn’t, looks away and Harry bites the shell of his ear, pulling until the skin snaps from his teeth. Louis buckles, reaching out to steady himself against the countertop as his body trembles. Harry pulls him back again, holds him up, fist relentlessly jacking Louis’ off with a steady pace.

“I used to dream about you Lou, your body… your mouth. Used to get hard just seeing you, wanting to touch you. You’ve always been so beautiful to me, always. And now look at you, you’re perfect. You’re carrying my child, Lou. Fuck, you don’t know what you do to me. I just want to bend you over this counter, get you pregnant again, yeah? You like that?”

“Please,” He sobs. “Harry, please.” Louis’ is a mess, grinding back against Harry’s cock and still pistoning his hips into Harry’s fist. He’s gasping, head tilted back against Harry’s shoulder, small hands gripping the arm Harry has across his shoulders like a vice, like an anchor.

His cock is so hard, the tip soaked as Harry strokes the precome down his cock, easing the slide. Harry’s just… he’s selfish, really. Because this should be about Louis, pumping out an orgasm so he can go back to sleep and actually sleep through the night for once but God, Harry can’t help himself. It’s like he can taste Louis already, can smell the chemistry of his inner thighs, want’s to feel the weight of Louis on his tongue. It’s starting to cloud his senses as he buries his face in Louis’ neck, inhales the staleness of sleep and the mango bodywash he used just hours before.

Harry thumbs at his slit and jolts when Louis stutters out a loud moan, body pulling away from Harry as he tries to curl into himself. Harry pulls off quickly, turning Louis around and pushing him against the countertop before losing himself in Louis’ mouth. It’s wet heat and desperate bites as Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s neck, pulling him down and impossibly closer. Harry’s never felt so wanted in his life, those boys he found his way with on drunken college nights were nothing compared to what he feels right now. He feels like a new man, like power and glory is flowing through his veins powered by the little ‘uh uh uh’ breaths Louis is huffing out.

Pulling away from Louis’ insistent mouth is up there with one of the hardest things Harry’s had to do in his short lifetime. Louis taste like faded toothpaste and sounds like a gutted puppy when Harry does, low eyes roaming his face in confusion before trying to pull him back in. Harry drops to his knees before Louis can pull him back in.

“Ha-” He starts, eyes wide as he tries to follow but Harry stops him, knees aching from the marble tiles as he grips Louis’ hips. “No, Harry- you don’t-”

“Shhhh” Harry whispers, kneading the muscles of his thighs. “Let me. Please… just let me take care of you this time.”

Louis’ response comes as a high pitched cry as Harry grips him in his hand and swallows the head. He’s not going to last long, he looks painfully hard already so Harry knows he has to make it count, has to show off a little bit as he takes him down in one go. Tears sting his eyes as he bobs for a second or two before Louis’s fingers knot in his hair and pull him off. Harry looks up, watches Louis’ chest heave in and out before tilting his head around the growing belly and taking Louis’ heavy cock in his mouth again. Louis’ legs are shaking and Harry can see his fingers have gone white at how he’s gripping the edge of the counter. It just spurs him on. He wants to punch the orgasm out of Louis, wants to choke on his cock and feel the rush as it funnels down his throat.

It comes too fast. Louis’ fingers going painfully taut as he comes down Harry’s throat with a vibrating moan Harry can feel in his toes. He milks him through it with his mouth, memorizes the weight of Louis’ on his tongue, slides his softening cock along his bottom lip, leaves kitten licks across the head as Louis hisses from the over sensitivity of it all.

It’s dead quiet after. Harry’s beyond hard in his sleep pants, cock tenting the blue cotton fabric and there’s already a wet patch seeping through the fibers. He can hear his heartbeat, can feel the blood pumping through his veins and when he pull off, settling back on his ankles he’s terrified to look up.

Louis’ still swallowing in air, head thrown back so he’s looking to the ceiling and Harry notices his legs are still shaking so after a moment he reaches forward and holds him still, kneading his thumbs into the soft skin on the inside of his knees. It does nothing but remind him that Louis is half naked in front of him, softening cock jumping at the contact and punching a soft gust of air from Louis’ lips. But Harry doesn’t stop and Louis doesn’t tell him to.

He continues to squeeze up Louis’ legs, rubbing up and down by a few inches, watching the dusted hair on his thighs gets lighter and lighter the higher his hands go. He shifts closer, cock sliding uncomfortably against the wetness of his pants but he ignores it as he leans forward and nuzzles his face to Louis’ thigh, inhales and holds it until his brain gets fuzzy. He doesn’t exhale until he feels Louis’ fingers run through his hair again, blunt nails scratching at his scalp and it sends a shock of electricity down his spin.

“You still have a thing for my legs, huh?” Louis sounds exhausted. No, maybe shy with a hint of nervous laughter in his voice. God, Harry almost comes right then and there as Louis’ low voice echoes through the bathroom.

“Since the day I saw you.” Harry sighs, mouth dropping against Louis’ thigh as he rakes through his hair again. Harry pushes deeper into his hand. “I meant what I said. I used to have… dreams. About you.”

Harry kisses up Louis’ thigh, feels a tremor run through the smaller man’s body the higher he gets until he hits the edge of his sleep shirt.

It’s a line. A line he can’t cross without Louis’ permission but he’s not ready for it to end so he grips the back of Louis’ thighs in his hands, kneading at his tired muscles and pulling him closer. Louis’ wobbly on his legs so Harry doesn’t pull him far but far enough so he can cup the tops of Louis’ legs, just at the crease of his ass as he buries his face against his hip. Even though his cock has never been so hard and his mind is screaming to whip his dick out and end his misery, he’s also never had Louis like this before. Never this close, never this pliant in his hands and soft with his word.

“Come up here.”

Louis’ voice is like oil dripping down his body, loosening the tightness in his back and squeezing at his heart. He rolls his shoulders back, letting his palms slip down the back of Louis’ thighs as he leans back against the counter. Harry’s knees protest as he moves, fingers tracking the band of Louis’ sleep pants as he pulls them back up, tucking Louis in before pulling at the strings. Louis’ lazy hips sags forward as Harry pulls in the strings and he tries not to stare at their bodies so close, his cock tenting his trousers and their matching wet patches. It’s obscene and it makes Harry’s mouth water as he knot’s Louis’ pants strings and tucks his thumbs under the band.

He’s nervous to look up and can’t find it in himself to work out why. It’s not embarrassing, putting his heart and emotions on the line, because he knows Louis loves him but. It’s… intense.

Once Harry’s back on his feet, Louis pulls him into a bruising kiss. Louis’ lips are chapped and swollen but fit between Harry’s perfectly; thinner, firmer and insatiable. It’s like he’s trying to crawl up Harry’s body, trying to suck the cum out of his mouth so furiously Harry’s tongue is throbbing with it. He’s leaning over Louis’ body, low belly pressing against his cock and he shivers with it, hunching over with both arms bracing Louis small frame, fists white-knuckled against the counter.

It’s quick and rough and Harry’s mouth feel wonderfully assaulted. He kisses back harder, moans as Louis runs his fingers over his face, pulls his hair, leaves crescent shaped welts on his shoulders. Harry reaches down and takes Louis’ bottom in his hands with a grunt pulled from his throat, squeezing, spreading and kneading the plush cheeks and lifting the smaller man onto his tip toes. Louis’ jagged moan triggers Harry’s orgasm so fast he loses track of time and space.

He feels like he just woke up from a coma all over again. He feels dead tired, limbs twitching as his orgasm pulls the final bits of energy straight from his fingertips. His vision swims and his hearing finally comes back to the sound of Louis murmuring gently in his ear. He’s draped over Louis’ small frame, eyes drooping closed as Louis runs his fingers through his hair, trying to keep Harry’s heavy frame from toppling them over.

Harry pushes his face into Louis’ neck, cheeks hot and groin sticky as he realizes he just came in his pants. It’s ridiculous, Louis turns him into a fool.

"God."

“We should..” Louis starts, tucking Harry’s long hair behind his ear but he doesn’t want to move, doesn’t ever not want to be plastered to Louis and to be honest, he’s not sure his legs work. “Let’s get to bed.”

Harry’s sighs, rolling his forehead over Louis’ sweat damn sleep shirt to kiss his shoulder before finally pulling himself up. They’re both a bit on edge as they stare at each other so Harry makes the first move, slipping his hand into Louis’ and dragging him back into the bedroom. Harry feels kind of disgusting, can feel his own cum starting to dry at the crease of his thigh but he can deal with that. It feels like the moment is more fragile than that.

Instead Harry tucks him into their sheets and Louis watches him walk around their massive bed quiet as a mouse. Watches Harry turn away from him and drop his sleep pants, wipe down his overspent cock and hiss at the touch of the rough material, crawl between the sheets.

“Turn over, could you?” Louis mumbles, pushing at Harry’s shoulder until he’s lying on his other side still looking back at Louis. Louis crawls after him and glues himself to Harry’s back, contented sighs filling their bed when Harry takes his thigh and hikes it up over his hips. Harry can feel Louis’ steady heartbeat as he settles in, feel his shallow breaths wash over the back of his neck as they start to fall asleep.

“Big spoon…” Louis slurs before he’s out, arms tight across Harry’s waist.

\--

“I mean, it’s a big decision… obviously none of this was apart of the plan.” Liam nods at that, stealing a piece of Niall’s calamari and popping it into his mouth.

“It is, yeah. But you have to think long term here lads and to be honest, this couldn’t have happened at a better time.”

Harry squeezes Louis’ hand in his lap, looks over to see him swirling his fork through his half eaten plate of spag bol. He’s going to have heartburn later but he’d refused to listen to Harry when he ordered anyway.

“Liam’s right,” Zayn speaks up, patting his mouth with a napkin. “Louis’ about to pop any minute. No one will hate you for taking time off to be a dad. Niall’s been talking about taking a real vacation for awhile now, this isn’t really that big of a shock, is it?”

“No, but…” Niall’s not taking the conversation very well and Harry gets it. Niall doesn’t want to upset their fans, doesn’t want to fade away and be forgotten. Harry knows Niall’s much more invested in the idea of their careers and the music but Harry’s can’t lie and say he’s ready to go back out there just yet.

He’s never wanted to be famous, never imagined in a million years to have the life he does with some of his favorite people. It’s not that he doesn’t want to be in a band with Niall anymore, but maybe he’s a little scared he won’t be good at it like he used to and maybe he’s a little worried about losing himself in it all. Louis keeps him grounded, he’s not ready to let go of the little bubble they’re created for themselves.

“We don’t even have to announce anything, it doesn’t have to be official or set in stone or anything even close to that but I think taking the next few months off is our best move right now.”

Harry and Louis have been silent throughout the whole conversation so far. This arrangement obviously works in their favor and Louis had whispered the idea in Harry’s ear weeks ago. Louis’ doesn’t want Harry to run off on a tour just months after the baby is born and Harry doesn’t want to have to choose between Louis and Niall.

“Nialler,” Louis speaks up now, putting his fork down and pulling his hand from Harry’s to reach out and cup Niall’s own in his hands. “We both know Harry’s not ready. That’s just… that’s just the reality right now. He’s still insecure about his songwriting and I know the thought of getting in front of 20,000 people right now would paralyze him. Remember the early days? He vomited all over my favorite vans, do you remember that night?”

Niall shrugs but he’s smiling. “He does keeps trying to rhyme _bum_ with _plum_ … it’s horrible.”

“Lies,” Harry grins leaning back in his seat, arm draped across the back of Louis’ chair. “All lies.”

Louis glances back at him with a wicked grin, “impressive, babe.”

“You two are so gross now,” Niall laughs, dropping Louis’ hands. “I don’t want to put out shit music and put on shit shows so yeah, I guess we don’t really have a choice.”

“Go find a model and move to South America for a few months, Niall. Try and grow a beard or something.” Liam jokes, Zayn’s rubbing his back with a smirk.

“Ha. Ha, and miss Harry lose his mind over being a dad? Please… I’ve even started a new instagram account just to catch the most embarrassing moments. Oh yeah, that reminds me- can I be in the room when you delivery? 100 pounds Harry faints.”

Harry would be offended if he wasn't laughing so hard. Dicks.

\--

They have less than a week left before their lives change forever and all Louis wanted was a milkshake and a haircut.

So Harry gets him a reese's milkshake and takes Louis to get his hair trimmed, holding the door open as they leave the expensive salon with it’s weird melon water and trance music. Louis looks gorgeous, hair short on the sides and a little long on top just like Harry likes it. It gives him something to run his fingers through at night, loves to watch Louis’ hair fall over his eyes when he sleeps.

Harry takes Louis’ hand and they walk back to their car, Louis filling Harry in on the _Adventures of Lux_ , his stylist's daughter. Today’s a good day, Louis in a great mood all talkative and excited about everything. No body aches, no shifting moods. Louis even woke Harry up because the baby was kicking like crazy, he knows that’s his favorite thing. He’s ready to start a family, he thinks. But sometimes he will miss this, just the two of them.

Harry kind of zones out when he see’s the most gorgeous man turn the corner before their car. His jaw actually goes slack. He looks like the guys who used to be on the cover of Gemma’s Abercrombie catalogues growing up except he’s actually wearing clothes and not covered in oil on a beach somewhere. Harry blushes when he can’t look away from the guy but his eyes go wide when he catches the guy is looking right back at him. They don’t even speak, just share a small smile as they cross paths and Harry won’t lie, he glances back to catch the man disappear down the busy street. The man’s still watching him too.

Harry’s a bit shocked about a guy like that showing interest in him. Harry couldn’t pay guys like that to give him the time of day in college and now this male model adonis just eyed him up walking down the street. What is his life?

His head whips around and he catches Louis watching the guy too with a wrinkle between his brow. Harry squeezes Louis’ hand to pull his attention back but Louis just drops him completely and holds his milkshake with two hands, finishing his story about how Lux started teething at almost four months.

Harry shakes it off. “That’s a bit early, isn’t it? Four months?”

“Yeah,” Louis goes straight to the car, pulling open the door and jumping in. Harry frowns because he always opens the door for Louis. Always. _It’s their thing._

“Y’alright?”

“Yep.”

“Is there anything else you want to do?” Louis’ silent as he buckles his seat belt and settles in. “Did I tell you your hair looks lovely yet?”

“Yeah, you did. Thank you.”

Harry feels his eye twitch. Is Louis acting _jealous_ right now? It’s not a good look on him, Harry hates it.

“Okay… we should go somewhere, do something crazy! This could be the last day of just you and me for awhile.”

“I’m not really in top form to go do something _crazy_ right now, love.” Louis mumbles, not looking at Harry. “But feel free to call up one of your friends? Haven’t seen them in awhile.”

“No, Louis- what’s wrong?"

"Nothing’s wrong, I’m fine. You just seem bored and I’m no fun, so I think you should go hang out with Niall or Jeff or something? Like you said, this could be your last day of freedom."

"I’m not bored and that’s not what I meant. You know that’s not what I meant. I guess I just wanted to make sure you were happy. I don’t want to hang out with anyone else, okay?”

Louis doesn’t respond and Harry doesn’t feel like having this conversation where anyone can see them bickering in their car. Harry doesn’t want to bicker at all, they’ve had an absolutely lovely day and he planned to have an ever better night but the ride home seems to stretch on forever. Louis doesn’t say anything on the whole ride, nose deep in his phone. Harry makes sure to open Louis’ door when they get home and the smaller man just shoulders past him into the house.

He finds Louis in the kitchen, cold bottle of water being held against his neck to cool him off. “Spit it out. What’s going on, what’s wrong?”

“Excuse me?”

Harry knows what Louis’ doing and it’s not going to work. “You’re upset.”

“I’m not-”

“You’re upset, stop it. Talk to me, because you’re mad with me and I hate it. Is it because of that man? On the street?”

Louis scoffs and roughly pulls the fridge door open to put the water bottle back. “No, I don’t care about _that man on the street_. Typical.”

It’s quiet while Louis pulls off his jacket and let’s it fall onto the kitchen table. He looks defensive, back tight as he refuses to look at Harry. “And fuck you for saying that, too. I hate when you do that. Even if it was about the man on the street I would have every right to be upset, okay?”

“You’re serious? Nothing happened!”

“So what? You were watching him like you wanted to bend him over the closest car for God sakes!”

Harry’s eyes go wide, words catching in his throat. “Are you kidding me right now? I did not- you were looking at him too! I saw you!”

“ _Because what man has the audacity to eye-fuck someone when they’re walking around with their pregnant husband, Harry!?_ What the fuck? You’re sound so stupid right now.”

“So this is about him?”

Louis looks like he wants to pick up a chair and smash it through Harry’s thick, useless skull.

“Shut up, I don’t want to talk about this.”

“You never want to talk about anything…” Harry almost slaps his hand to his mouth the moment it leaves his lips. “I didn’t mean that, I’m so sorry."

Louis deflates instantly, fingers curling over his middle; shoulders curling into himself. "I don’t want to do this right now, okay? I don’t want to fight with you," Louis chokes out, there are tears in his eyes. "Look if this isn’t what you want… I don’t want you to feel like you have to be here, okay? That’s all I’m saying. I don’t want to be some burden on your life, Harry. That’s not how this is supposed to work, that’s not what I want."

It’s as if Louis pulls the air right from Harry’s lungs. “Of course I want to be here, how can you say that? I couldn’t do this without you, we’re a team! You’re emotional and upset and I’m only making it worse. I’m sorry, let’s forget about it."

“Harry, look at me," Louis hiccups, arms flying in the air. He looks so small and off balance and manic. Harry’s never seen him like this before. Louis takes a deep breath, eyes searching around the empty kitchen before turning back and locking eyes with Harry. "Look at me and look at you! Fucking look at you!”

Louis’ getting choked up, small hands roughly wiping away his tears. “This isn’t your life, okay? It just isn’t... you fell into this fucked up alternate universe or whatever and ended up here but this doesn’t have to be your life. It’s like we’re forcing it, I feel like I’m forcing you to stay. This baby.. our house and stuff. I’m giving you an out… and I think you should take it.”

“Don’t you dare.”

Louis’ anger flares up again, it’s giving Harry whiplash. “Why are you even doing this, huh? Why are you trying to _play house_ and- and _good dad_ and all this? You're in the prime of your fucking life, don't you get that? You're rich and successful and so beautiful, Harry. You’re so fucking gorgeous; girls and guys throw themselves at you left and right and I know you see it. You play dumb but I know you see it. It drives me crazy. I- I used to be so much better at this, you know? Dealing with everything that comes with being with you, but right now I just can't."

Louis anger turns to sadness and his yelling turns to pleading and it brings bile to Harry’s throat. He doesn’t even know what to say right now. Being hit by a truck would be less painful. "I don't care about any of that."

"Yes you do-"

"No-"

"Harry, you do! You always did. Stop trying to be a good fucking guy all the time! You don’t owe me anything, alright? We're not who we’re supposed to be... Our lives aren't going in the same direction anymore and that's no one's fault, okay? It happens."

"What the fuck are you saying?"

"I'm saying... I'm saying we need to take a break for awhile. You need to live a life you’re proud of H, you need to be young and happy and be able to make your mistakes for awhile. This whole thing, me and the baby, we took that from you and that’s not right. It’s so important you get that opportunity and I understand that. Look, if this is still what you want later down the line I’ll be here. I promise."

Harry just breaks down, tears clouding his eyes. He can't keep his composure, his face falling as he scrubs at his eyes with his fingers. He feels the energy drain out of his limbs as he sucks in air, trying to keep himself together when he's ready to crumble right at Louis’ feet.

"I’m so-" Harry cries, eyes to the sky. "How can you say this to me? I’ve been trying so hard to prove to you that I’m here and want to be here and you’ve been waiting for us to fail this whole time? Did you even try to love me? This whole time, did you even try?"

"I didn’t have to try, Harry. I’m so pathetic, I love you now like I loved you then. You’re my world, H. You are everything to me! I wake up and I see you and it’s like… it’s like I can breathe! You’re my husband. You’re the father of my child. I’m supposed to spend the rest of my life with you, of course I love about you. I’m so fucking in love with you. And it’s because I love you so much that I know this isn’t the best thing for you. You’re life was stolen from you and I’m so- fuck I’m so sorry for that-”

Harry sobs, turning away from Louis. He can’t even look at him right now. Harry is seething when he turns back to him not even a moment later, hands fisted at his side as he tries to reel in his feelings for the man standing before him. “Fuck you! Fuck you- God, fuck you! Who do you think you are?”

“Harry-” If this wasn’t the worst moment of Harry’s life, Louis’ whimper would have him on his knees.

"Shut up. I mean it. Right now." Harry stalks forward, nose turned down to look louis in the eyes. " _Fuck you_ for doing this, stop trying pushing me away! How can you stand here and say- I swear to God, nothing hurts like you. I feel like I’m dying.”

His voice cracks and he turns away again, a sob ripping from his throat as he punches his fist into the counter. He thinks he’s going to hyperventilate, crouching down and dropping his head between his knees. He feels Louis step closer to him and he flinches away, jumping up and pacing to the other side of the kitchen.

“You don't get to make this decision for me, Louis. Stop trying to take care of me! I’m supposed to take care of you! I am a grown man; I was when I was 18 and I am now. You think you know what’s best for me but you don’t. You think I’m going to leave you? You think I don’t want to be here with you through the good and the bad? I woke up this morning feeling like the luckiest man in the world, did you know that? I opened my eyes and there you were right next to me in _our bed_. In _our house_. _I love you_ , Louis. I love you so much but you don’t see that. I’m in love with you and you’re trying to take it all away from me.”

"Harry..."

"You think it doesn't hurt me that I've missed my life with you? All I’ve ever wanted was to fucking _play house_ with you! Build a life with you and make love to you and have kids with you! I've missed everything I've ever wanted with you." Harry paws at his eyes looking every bit like the child he's trying to prove he isn't. "Even if I can't get those memories and experiences back I don't want them with anyone else. I don't want to wake up to anyone else, Lou. I don't want to be with anyone else. I want to be with you, why can't you see that? Ever since I woke up it's only been you, that's all I see. You're so sad, lou. You spend so much time wishing the old me comes back you don't even see that I'm trying. I'm trying to build something new. The old me may not come back. I may never get my memory back but _I still love you_. I still want to be with you. I love you so much, why is that not enough? Why am I not enough for you?"

"Oh Harry, you are enough for me. Baby look at me, Harry, you are enough for me."

"Then why are you doing this? You’re hurting me right now."

"Harry, I... I don't want you to resent me. I couldn't live with myself to think one day you’ll wake up and regret this life with me. I don’t want you to be unhappy."

"If I wanted to leave I would leave. But I’m not, I’m right here begging you to let me stay. I'm not stuck with you and it’s killing me that you think that, that I’ve lead you to believe that I want to be anywhere else than right here with you. I’m not perfect Louis and I’m not the same man you lost but please, please let me try to make you happy. If it doesn't work out then we'll deal with that later but I need you to let me try. I need you to want to try this with me. I need you, I can’t do this without you. I see my life and my future with you and I can’t imagine you not in it. I don't know how much better it was before because I'm so happy with you Louis I can't imagine anything else. I love you."

"I love you too."

"Louis, _I love you_. I mean it. _I’m in love with you_. I’m not going anywhere no matter what mean things you say to me."

Louis nods, face crestfallen as he steps up to Harry. Head falling back to look into his eyes, arms wrapping tight around Harry’s middle. “I’m horrible.”

“You’re absolutely horrible.” Louis just looks at him, blotchy cheeks and red rimmed eyes before pushing up on his toes and kissing Harry’s jaw. “You hurt my feelings.”

Louis kisses along his jaw, pulls at the collar of Harry’s t-shirt to leave a trail of kisses along his collarbone. “I’ll never do it again.”

Harry takes him by the arms and pulls him back. “I’m serious, I never want to do this again. Tell me you didn’t mean it.”

Louis shakes himself out of Harry’s hold and steps closer to him again. “I didn’t mean it,okay?” Harry feels like Louis is playing some kind of distraction game but it’s working when he leans in and sucks the skin of Harry’s neck into his mouth. “I was feeling vulnerable.”

Harry grips Louis’ hips when he pushes in even closer, tilts Harry’s chin away so he can mark his neck. “You make me so jealous sometimes, it drives me crazy. I’m emotional and I- I don’t want you to go. Please don’t go.”

Harry’s already getting hard in his jeans when Louis finally releases his neck and ducks in for a kiss. He feels so conflicted, on one hand he thinks Louis’ trying to change the subject even though they really need to talk about this… but on the other hand Louis is starting to undo his belt.

“We’re going to see a therapist.” Louis just hums in response, hiking up Harry’s t-shirt to run his hands over his chest. “And- and I’m going to do better at reminding you that you’re the best thing to ever happen to me. Okay?”

Louis growls when Harry doesn’t immediately kiss him back, biting his lip and running his tongue along the inside of Harry’s lips. His hands are everywhere, thumbs rubbing over the nubs of Harry’s nipples and gripping the elastic of his pants all at the same time. “Show me.”

Harry pulls back, heaving breaths washing over Louis’ face with a frown. “Show me I’m the best thing that’s ever happened to you.” Louis looks up at him expectantly, eyebrows high and mouth impatient.

Harry wants to laugh but it gets stuck in his throat when he surges down and kisses Louis, licks into his mouth and wraps his arm around the smaller man’s waist to keep him close. He tastes like sugar and the warm of his body is burning through Harry’s clothes. If this is what it takes for Louis to feel better... Harry's in no position to say no.

\--

Harry wakes up to an empty bed and a sore back the next morning. Their sheets smell like sex and he’s sure his fingers do, too. He grins at the memory, last night was incredible.

Opening his eyes and scanning the dimly lit room, it’s can’t be past 7 am and Louis is no where in sight.  But he’s awake, Harry can hear running water coming from their bathroom and he entertains the thought of Louis crawling back into bed to him. It’s an image that will never leave his mind again, he can still see Louis on all fours in front of him, face pushes into their pillows as he watches his cock split him in half, Harry’s thumbs spreading him open. Can still feel Louis riding him with trembling legs, relives the moment his cock caught on Louis’ swollen rim pulling a hiss from the smaller man’s mouth, when he could barely breath fucking into Louis’ tight heat with nothing but lube to ease the relentless drag of Louis’ walls.

 _You’re so good for me_ , Louis had cried, knees dragging over their sheets as Harry holds him down, sends him sliding up the bed with each punch to his prostate. _You fuck me so good, baby. ‘m yours, all yours..._

Harry’s never had sex like that. Louis was so open, body raw and engulfing of Harry in every way. He knew just want Harry needed- made him feel strong, desirable and absolutely invincible. Louis knew just how to touch him, knew what to whisper in his ear to make him work harder. Knew how to ask Harry for what he wanted, what he needed, knew every spot to break him down. Harry never, ever imagined he would spread Louis’ thighs and open him with his tongue. Hold him down by his neck and send him running up the mattress, toes curled and filthy words spilling out of his mouth. He’s never been that rough with anyone in bed. There are teeth marks deep in Louis’ shoulders right now, there are scratches down Harry’s back that sting with his every move.

Harry edges the heat curling between his hips, pulls his feet flat on the bed and strokes his cock. It’s too early for this, really. He feels absolutely giddy and euphoric yet dead tired. He wants Louis to come back to bed, wants to turn him on his side and fuck in sweet and slow with Louis’ leg pulled over his hip, Louis’ hole still stretched and sticky with last nights cum. He wants to tell Louis he loves him when he comes, see his face when he’s not being dirty and aggressive but sweet and sleepy. Wants to milk the orgasm out of his little body, hold him tight when his limbs start to tremble uncontrollably.

Harry can hear something fall off the counter and hit the floor with a tiny, dull thump. Louis’ been in the bathroom for an awfully long time… and he’d really like for him to come back. Now that he knows what it’s like to cum inside of Louis he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to get off with just his hand again. Louis has officially ruined him, he’s sure of it.

There’s a quiet gasp followed by a low groan and it hits Harry that something is wrong. He jumps out of bed, cock hard and cupped in his hand as he jogs to the bathroom. Harry pushes open the bathroom door to reveal Louis still naked from last night and a puddle at his feet.

“Oh my God,” Harry’s eyes go wide. Louis is doubled over on himself holding his middle, breathing quick and fast like they learned in their Mummy and Me classes, eyes squeezed shut and bottom lip trembling when Harry squats down besides him. _Oh my God_. “Are you-?”

Louis grunts out a painful cry and shakes his head, eyes squeezing tight as he reaches out and leans his body weight against Harry, “’s too soon. Oh shit- but it ‘urts!”

"We’ve got to get you to hospital,” Harry tries to cut down on his panic, because they’re ready for this. Louis’ bag has been packed and sitting by the front door for two weeks now. Louis is crushing his shoulder, breathing through his teeth when his body goes tense with pain. He doesn’t want to leave him alone to go get his phone, Louis’ obviously going through a contraction.

“Count for me, love,” Harry whispers, pushing Louis’ hair back as they make eye contact. Louis nods with a wince, a tender cry slipping past his lips. It only lasts for a few seconds but it’s enough.

“Your water broke, baby. I need to get your clothes and call Dr. Whitmore, can I leave you alone for a second? I need to call your mum, too… and Zayn.”

“You did this to me,” Louis pouts as he stands back up and grabs his dressing gown to cover his shoulders. “You fucked this kid right out of me you big lug, geez.”

Harry bites his lip, now is not the time to laugh at Louis’ dramatics. He’s so cute though and Harry notes that his dick, thankfully, has calmed down. Seeing Louis in pain will always kill his mood if he’s honest.

He runs out of the bathroom and kicks his legs through the closest pair or jeans, pulling on a shirt Louis left on the floor before shooting a text to his mum, Zayn and Jay before calling Dr. Whitmore to let her know it’s happening. Louis’ about to go into labor. _They’re going to be parents._

When Harry runs back in Louis’ doing better, he doesn’t look like he’s in pain anymore and he’s wiping down his inner thighs with a wet cloth. Harry helps him into pants and a pair of loose sleep trousers and his favorite jumper before helping him waddle down the stairs. Harry grabs Louis’ hospital bag and helps his husband out to their truck, tossing the bag in and frowning when Louis’ hit with another contraction, though not as bad as before.

“Drugs!” Louis grunts, trying to gently lower his body into his seat; bottom extra sore from last night and the small human trying to push through his body. “I want all the drugs, I don’t want to feel a thing do you understand me?”

Harry grins and leans over to kiss Louis’s cheek, his heart swelling in his chest. It’s happening. It’s really happening. They’re about to have a baby and he might even make it through the day without Louis snapping his fingers off.

Louis grips Harry’s hand and holds his breath with a scowl, shaking his head when it passes. “This kid has your giant head I swear,” he sighs when the pain subsides rolling his head on his headrest to smile sleepily at Harry. “You’re so lucky you’re cute.”

\--

Harry’s never felt anything like this before. Doesn’t think there are words to describe the mindspace he’s in at the moment. There’s a warm bundle in his arms and a sleeping boy by his side and he’s sitting there absolutely shaking in tears.

Jackson has 10 fingers, 10 toes, two bright eyes and Harry’s entire world in the palm of his tiny, wrinkled hands.

“You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Harry cries, the hospital room is dark and empty with only the sound of Louis’ monitor keeping the rhythm of his heart steady. Jay and Annie left hours ago to head back to their house and rest after sitting through Louis' nearly eleven hour labor. The smaller man is exhausted but doing great, emergency c-section and all. He’s so strong, Harry’s so proud of him.

“You’re so lovely, aren’t you? The loveliest thing in the world and you’re all mine. I love you so much sweetheart.” Harry’s never known love like this before. Looking at his son, this beautiful creature he made with Louis is so overwhelming he can’t keep it together. He’s so tiny, just inches long with soft, chubby feet and swooping eyelashes. And his cheeks, he has Harry’s big cheeks but Louis’ small nose. He’s so fragile, Harry holds him closer.

“You’re so small, my little Jaxy boy. Just like your daddy, so small. My good boy, we’re going to take such good care of you. You’re gonna be so happy, baby. Oh, I love you so much.”

Louis shifts on the bed and Harry looks over, finds his tired gaze watching them silently. There are dark circles around Louis’ eyes and Harry doesn’t think he’ll ever forget the wretched look on his face when he was in the worst pain but God, Louis has never been so beautiful to him.

“Daddy’s awake, Jax! He’s been wanting to love on you all night but I’ve been hogging you. Do you want to go to daddy, sweetheart? Hmm?” Harry actually waits for him to answer, runs the giant pad of his thumb across his forehead and the little wisps of blonde hair atop his head. He doesn’t actually want to let him go, wants to hold his boy in his arms forever just to keep him warm and safe and pure. He stands then, wiping his tear streaked face on his shoulder and easing Jackson into’s Louis’ outstretched arms. His heart constricts as Louis’ body sinks deeper into the thin hospital sheets. Harry’s so overwhelmed with love he can hardly breath, it’s actually painful.

“You did so good, darling.” Harry grins, kissing Louis on the lips and sitting next to his legs on the small hospital bed. “Absolutely amazing…”

Louis glances up at him with the fondest smile and winks, tucking Jackson closer to him and clearing the blanket away from his tiny face. They don’t speak, both enraptured with their son and the calming bubble they’re currently swaying in. He gets fussy for a second, little face scrunching up and threatening to spill tears before Louis brings him close and kisses his closed eyes to calm him down. Harry’s heart is permanently melted on the floor and he rubs at Louis’ knee, sneaking a picture of his favorite boys on his phone for later.

“Y’alright?” Louis says quietly once Jackson settles again. “Have you slept at all?”

“God, no, are you kidding? I can’t keep my eyes off of him. I sent mum and Jay home a bit ago just so I could have him to myself for a bit.” Louis smiles, reaching his hand out to Harry to pull him in for a kiss.

“I’m so happy, Haz.” Harry grins, dipping in for another kiss before leaning over to hold Jackson’s little hand, his tiny fingers curling around Harry’s thumb immediately.

“How are you feeling? D’you need anything? You hungry?” Louis just shakes his head no, eyes never leaving Jackson’s sleeping face. It’s quiet for awhile and Harry pulls his chair up to the side of the bed so he can rest his back, watches Louis feed Jackson with a bottle.

“I’m sorry, Harry, for yesterday.” Harry frowns, head popping up to look at his husband. “I was scared.”

Harry gets it now, nods his head as he rests his head back on the palm of his hand. “I know.”

“I didn’t mean it… any of it.”

“I- I know that, too.”

“I don’t want you to leave.”

Harry sighs and wraps his fingers around Louis’ blanket covered knee with a squeeze. “I’m not going anywhere, Lou. You and Jackson are stuck with me forever I’m afraid. It’s you and me, kid, till the wheels fall off.”

Louis scoffs but he’s smiling, rolling his eyes. Harry can see the tension roll off his skin.

“I’m so grateful for you.” Harry whispers, emotions rolling through him again. “I’m so fucking grateful for you. I can’t breathe past the thought of how much I love you. He’s so beautiful, Lou, absolutely perfect. I’m so proud of you.”

Louis looks back at him, eyes soft as he takes in Harry’s tear stained face and tight shoulders. He reaches over and pulls him closer, runs his fingers through Harry’s hair with a dull scratch right at the crown. It calms him instantly, shoulders falling and air finally filling his lungs.

“Come, babe.” Louis whispers, patting the thin sliver of mattress next to him. Harry eases onto the mattress not wanting to wake Jackson back up, takes the empty bottle from Louis’ hand and leaves it at the table side.

Harry can’t really fit, long legs hanging off the side but he slides in next to Louis, arm wrapping over his boys and tucking them into the sheets safe and sound. They’re a sight for sore eyes and Harry wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world. Louis pulls him in for a gentle kiss, love and appreciation blooming from their lips and arms tightening over Jackson’s small frame. Harry falls back with the biggest smile on his face.

“Get some sleep, my love. We’ll be here when you wake up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been fun kids. Love you, mean it.
> 
> See you for 1D Big Bang xoxo


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise, this isn't even worth reading unless you're stuck in jury duty and have absolutely nothing left to do in the world. it's that pointless.

Louis drags his feet back to bed like a zombie, neck cracking as he kicks off his slippers and belly flops into the pillows. The sun isn’t even out, what was he thinking?

“‘ow’s it look?”

Louis grumbles for a moment before rolling over with a huff, legs spread wide. “Looks every inch like the £5000 we paid for it. Didn’t think they’d be here so early though…”

Harry hears a generator sputter on in the back garden and groans, yanking the pillow under Louis’ head and flinging it over their own. He’s half expecting to hear Jax crying over the baby monitor, glances at the small light-up radio at his side but it’s quiet. Harry counts it as a blessing.

Today is very important, Louis has been running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off for weeks prepping. The paparazzi have been merciless with their coverage and ruining Louis’ surprises left and right, Harry thinks he’s lost weight from the stress. No matter how many times Harry reminds him that Jackson is only celebrating his first birthday and therefore won’t remember any of this Louis doesn’t care. Harry suspects it’s a competition thing between Louis and Organic-Sugarfree-Had-The-Rolling-Stones-Play-My-Kids-Third-Birthday-Party Fearne but he’ll never mention it. Harry wants to keep his dick, _thank you very much._  

The caterers should be here any minute. The Spider Man cotton candy spinner, S.H.I.E.L.D. popcorn machine, Hulk-O-Manic wrestling ring and giant inflatable Black Widow wall climb all arrived yesterday. The giant Avengers Universe bounce house they’re currently waking the neighbors to inflate complete’s Louis’ elaborate vision. Harry’s grateful they were able to celebrate Jackson’s actual birthday three days ago with just family, today is sure to be a nightmare of dirty diapers and sticky baby fingers. Louis’ so excited.

Louis turns to him suddenly, slapping him on the back to get his attention. “You ordered the cake for today, right?”

“Wait? I thought you called to confirm that?” Harry can’t even hold back his grin when Louis shoots up in the bed, eyes murderous. “Joking, love. I’m joking. They’ll be here before 11, double checked yesterday while you were arguing with the snow cone people over the phone.”

Louis exhales quickly, “Don’t scare me like that…”

Harry turns to lay on his back, arm reaching out to run his fingers down Louis’ arm. “Why are you worried? It’s going to be amazing. Plus you already have my vote for Father of the Year.”

“I better,” He sighs, crawling over to drape his body across Harry’s.”Your’s the only vote that matters.”

Harry holds him close, runs his hands down his sides and holds him close when Louis tries to squirm away ticklish and silly. Louis bites at his chest and Harry laughs, rolling them over until he’s hovering over the smaller man.

He can’t believe he’s had a year of this. A year of rolling around in their sheets late at night and waking up wrapped in each other. It hasn’t been easy but it’s been worth it, every single minute.

“What are you thinking about, you?” Harry blinks, mind slipping back into the present. He’s settled between Louis’ legs, looking down at his boy. He’s so small, all of his pregnancy weight and then some falling off just weeks after Jackson was born. It was like discovering a brand new Louis. New energy, a new body to explore, a new life to share together.

Louis’ looking up at him expectantly, studying his face, little hands wrapped around Harry’s wrists on either side of his head. He can see Louis in Jackson all the time. The scrunch of their nose, their disdain of order and domestic cleanliness, the brightness of their smile. Harry leans down and kisses Louis slowly. They haven’t brushed their teeth this morning so he doesn’t push it, but it’s slow and sweet and Louis sighs when Harry lowers his body on top of his before turning them both on their sides.

“Would you marry me?”

Louis pulls back with a yawn, blunt nails scratching at the two day old stubble he needs to shave before the party this afternoon. “Oh I’m sorry… have I been single all this time? Good to know.”

Harry has yet to get his memories back. By now all the doctors agree they may never return. Louis and Harry have both made peace with it, decided there’s no use in living in the past. It’s been well over a year and there have been awkward times and setbacks but that’s just the way his life is now. A big gaping hole of missing memories with paradise waiting for him at the other side. He thinks of Louis crying his eyes out on Jackson’s first day at his nursery and chuckles, pushing his face into the pillow.

“You’re not funny… didn’t answer my question though.” He mumbles into their sheets, looks over and watches Louis settle into the pillows, bright blue eyes staring right back at him. He looks like the sunrise.

“Hmm,” Louis smiles sweetly, sleepy eyes disappearing behind the wrinkles of his cheeks smushed into his pillow. “I mean I guess so? You’re not too bad looking, a decent lay. Excellent father… and you feed me yummy food sometimes.”

“Yeah?”

Louis nods, foot kicking out to tangle with Harry’s under the blankets, “yeah.”

“Say it.”

“What-”

“Say yes, say you’ll marry me.”

“Of course I’d marry you Harry, you’re it for me dummy.”

Harry takes a deep breath then and exhales slowly, watches Louis pick at his nails as if nothing’s happened. As if it’s the most casual thing in the world, waking up to the man of your dreams. Harry can’t believe it, lives in fear he’ll wake up to another life somewhere else. He reaches back to open the draw on his side of the bed and returns with a small, black velvet ring box. Louis freezes on the spot.

“Wha’s that?”

“I love you, Louis. I love you and I want to marry you… again.” Louis leans up off the bed, eyes on the box like it’s a poisonous snake ready to strike. ”We can renew our vows or whatever you want, it doesn’t matter how we do it, as long as I get to see you walk down the aisle to me. That’s my only request.”

Louis fish mouths for a few seconds, eyes going from Harry to the box and back again. “You got me another ring?”

“I mean, I’m not asking you to stop wearing yours of course… but yeah. It you want it. This was all supposed to be much more romantic and mushy but I don’t know, the timing felt right.”

Louis’ just staring down at the box as Harry opens it, a muted gasp falling from his lips once he see’s the thin, braided, platinum wedding ring. It’s small and dainty just like his boy.

“It’s beautiful,” Louis mumbles, head flying up to glare at Harry. “How did you hide this from me? Honestly, you can’t lie to save your life!”

Harry laughs then, teary eyed and heart bursting with love. “I have my ways, alright? Give me your hand.”

Louis, stubborn and defiant, shoves the ring away and crawls into Harry’s lap to hug him tight. He’s just like Jackson sometimes, tactile and constantly needing affection. “I love it. I love you. Thank you so much, H. It’s beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful,” Harry whispers into the space between their lips, the sound of the ring box snapping shut the only thing louder than the outside noise. “Are you happy?”

“Yeah, I’m happy,” Louis nods, finally leaning in and kissing Harry slowly. “I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life.”

“Jackson picked it out you know?”

“The ring?” Louis grins, eyebrows shooting up. He settles on Harry’s lap and reaches to pick up the abandoned box from the bed. “Did he really? Good lad, expensive taste just like his papa.”

Harry opens the box and pulls the ring out while Louis tries to pull his old one off. It won’t budge, fingers swollen around the silver band. Harry frowns but Louis just laughs, taking the new ring from Harry and slipping it onto his finger. It’s tight but he makes it fit, dipping down again to hug Harry tight.

“Does it not fit?”

“Shhhh, kiss me!” Louis whispers licking into Harry’s mouth, his fingers pushing Harry’s wild sleep hair away from his face. Louis’ moving kind of fast but Harry thinks he might be rushing to get a quick orgasm before Jackson wakes up. They never really get these quiet mornings to themselves anymore.

Louis dips to his neck, kissing and biting his way down Harry’s naked body and pinching at his sides only because he knows Harry hates it. Harry just pushes his half-hard dick into Louis’ chest with a smirk loving the way Louis’ fingers look with his new ring. Wants to see that ring sliding down his cock and covered in cum as soon as possible.

“Getting a tummy huh, Hazza?” He teases, licking into Harry’s belly button and blowing on it. Harry’s abs tighten and he shoves as Louis’ shoulder playfully. “Gotta tighten that up before you leave for tour next month, no more eating Jackson’s cookies.”

“You gonna work me out, baby?” Louis bits his hip hard and Harry yelps trying to run away, _little shit_. Louis distracts him with his mouth swallowing Harry with a hurricane tongue and paying extra attention to the head. Louis gives the messiest blowjobs Harry’s ever seen, tongue fluttering against his pulled back foreskin and spit making his dick glisten when Louis pulls off to breathe. It drives him absolutely crazy and Harry runs his thumb along the stretch of Louis’ lips, pushes his hair back to watch him bob on his his cock. It’s obscene.

“‘m not gonna last, sweetheart,” Harry mutters, spreading his legs further apart as Louis sinks deeper on his cock. He can feel Louis’ throat fluttering over his head and he groans, squeezing Louis’ shoulder and fisting his t-shirt in his hand.

“C’mon love, c’mon,” Louis croaks out, throat fucked out and gritty already. That’s basically all it takes to push Harry over the edge, Louis’ milking his orgasm while he holds Harry’s shaking thigh close, kissing up the creamy skin. “Good boy, so good.”

Harry just shakes his head, words useless as he recovers from his orgasm. He watches Louis sit back on his ankles and wipe his chin with a sweet smile. Harry wants to bend him in two and destroy him but his legs are still regaining their strength and it’s really too early for how loud Louis gets. Instead, he pulls Louis to him and kisses the taste of his own cum out of his mouth. Louis’ squirming on top of him, cock poking his hip so Harry flips them over and covers Louis’ mouth with his palm before pulling down his sleep pants and licking a wet stripe up the bottom of his dick.

Lous shivers in Harry’s hands, thighs spreading as he kicks his pants off quickly. Harry has to laugh, Louis’ so eager and ready as he pulls back to let Louis get his sleep pants untangled from his feet. “Don’t know why you even sleep in these.”

“Hey,stay focused! Blow me please.” Harry laughs, loud and silly before kissing Louis one last time, palm going back over his mouth. Louis pouts, tongue sucking a raspberry into Harry’s palm but he knows better than to let him get too loud at this time of the morning.

Harry swallows Louis in one go, holds down his jumping knee with one hand and runs his teeth along the thick vein of his dick. Louis hisses, struggling to keep his hips down as Harry pulls off with a pop. “You taste… different?”

Louis shrugs, eyes on the ceiling as he tips his hips up and smears his wet cock against Harry’s cheek. Harry pulls back though, looking up at Louis with a frown. After a second Louis glances down with a sigh, pushing Harry’s hand from his mouth. “Oh my God, really? It’s like déjà vu with you. A human hound dog, you are.”

“What?” Louis doesn’t say anything, eyes to the ceiling as he bites at his thumbnail. Eventually Harry bites as the skin of his inner thigh, forcing Louis to look down at him. “You’re acting weird?”

Louis must take in the small frown on Harry’s face and it makes him laugh as he sits up on his elbows and nudges Harry in the head with his knee. “I’m pregnant you goof.”

Harry’s mind white’s out. “Wait-?”

Louis sighs, falling back onto the pillows dramatically. “I’m pregnant, Harry. You did it, you knocked me up all over again. Congratulations.”

Harry sits up suddenly, long hair swinging in his face from the shock. There’s static in his head. “You- what?”

“You have super sperm, I can’t help it!”

“You’re pregnant?”

Louis nods, eyes finally meeting Harry’s wild green ones.

“Right now? You’re pregnant right now?”

“Right now, yeah. Bout' four and a half weeks or summat. I went to see Whitmore on Tuesday.”

Harry’s trying not to freak out, fingers balling into a fist as his side. He feels so choked up, electric currents running under his skin. This is too good to be true. “We’re having another baby?”

Louis drops his nervous hands to his chest and shrugs, “Is that- I know we haven’t seriously talked about this but- is that alright? Another baby? Is it too soon? I know Jackson hasn’t been the easiest-”

“Is that-” Harry chokes, hand coming up to cover his face for a second. _Breathe Harry, in and out_. “Oh my God. I’m so- I’m so happy right now. Oh my God.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes!” Harry nods, crawling between Louis’ legs to drop sweet, tender kisses to his nervous lips. “Yes, fuck. I want 10 more, 50 more. Lou, oh my God I’m so happy right now. I can’t believe it. I’m shaking!”

Louis wraps his arms and legs around Harry’s long frame, keeping him close. “Don’t thank me yet… ‘m gonna get all fat and crazy again.”

“Shut up, I’m having a moment.” Louis giggles at that, baring his neck to Harry’s pretty mouth. “I love you.”

“I love you, too, yeah? You’re really excited?”

Harry sits back and looks down at his boy. Picks up Louis’ hand with his two rings and clasps their fingers together. “Yeah I am, freaking losing my shit on the inside but of course I’m excited. Not happy about leaving you guys next month though but this will just give me even more reason to fly home whenever I can.”

“Yeah… I’m proud of you though. Your new music is brilliant Haz and you’re gonna love touring so don’t worry okay? Everything’s gonna be fine.”

Harry nods, folding down and settling back between Louis’ legs and burying his face in Louis’ neck. He’s already tired and the day is just starting, wishes he could fast forward to crawling back into bed tonight and watching a movie with Jax.

“I know i’ll all full of your baby and stuff now… but do you think you could-” Louis nudges him, taking Harry’s hand and wrapping his long fingers around Louis’ still half-hard cock. Harry giggles into his neck, squeezing Louis enough to feel his body tense underneath him..

“One track mind, you.” Harry kisses into his neck and pulls back to kiss him proper. Louis grins as he lifts his hips to meet Harry’s fist, feet falling flat on the bed.

Harry opens his mouth to speak but catches the rainbow of color that flies across the baby monitor next to them on the side table. Louis looks over when they both hear the soft cry of Jackson waking up and looking for them. Louis drops his hand with a huff, a dramatic whine coloring is face when he slaps his head against the bed.

“Cock blocked by your own son,” Harry giggles, kissing Louis on the neck one last time before crawling off the bed and stretching his hands up high over his head. Harry loves Louis, would give the world for the smaller man but as soon as his son wakes up everyday Harry can’t wait to see him. He used to sit and watch Jax sleep for months before Louis convinced Harry to let Jax sleep in his own room. Harry grabs a clean pair of pants from his drawer and pulls them on quickly. “You handle that and I’ll handle Jax, deal?”

Louis growls, sitting up in bed and glaring at Harry. “Honestly? You’re going to leave me like this? What the hell?”

Harry shrugs and points to the baby monitor where they can hear Jackson calling for them, grin plastered on his face. “You take care of yourself now, I’ll take care of you tonight, deal?”

Louis rolls his eyes and falls back into his sheets, turning away from Harry with a hand already on his cock. Harry just laughs, jumping over to slap Louis on his ass before running out the door and down the hall to Jackson’s room.

As soon as Harry opens the door he feels his heart start to beat a little bit faster. His little boy is standing up in his crib with tears running down his cheeks with his tiny hands outstretched for Harry. He swoops in, plucking the little one out of his crib and holding him close to his chest.

“Daaaa,” Jackson hiccups, sleepy head falling to Harry’s shoulder. Harry hums softly, kissing Jax’s ear and he shuffles around the room. “Da.”

“Da,” Harry returns mindlessly. It’s the only word Jackson knows so far, that and a bunch of baby dribble. Harry has to admit, he loves the baby dribble because he knows Jackson’s trying to talk to him. He’ll tilt his head and point with jibberish falling from his pink lips and Harry will know exactly what he’s saying. His boy is so smart, it surprises him every single day.

Harry changes his diaper and pulls a new t-shirt on him before giving Louis a warning knock and walking back into their bedroom. They only have a few more hours until a million people invade their house for the party so Harry wants to spend as much time with just them as possible.

“Baby boy!” Louis grins, arms wide when he see’s Jackson. He’s dressed again and Harry misses his summery skin already. Jackson starts to squirm in Harry’s arms, excited and giddy whenever he see’s his daddy.

“Baby boy, I’ve missed you allll night!” Louis purrs syrupy sweet, Jackson crawling into Louis’ lap the second Harry puts him down. Louis cups his sweet little face and litters him with kisses. Jackson squeaks out a laugh, hands slapping Louis’ skin. “Alllllll night! Did you miss me? Did you miss Da? huh?”

“Da!” Jax yells, eyes catching the new ring on Louis’ finger. He grabs at it, holding Louis’ hand against his face. “Daaaa!”

Louis grins, glancing over at Harry with pretty, bright eyes. Harry watches them from the other side of the bed, his perfect little family that’s only growing.

 _I love you_ , he mouths to Louis.

“I love you too,” Louis whispers, leaning in to kiss Jax’s dusty hair with his eyes on Harry. 

Harry feels so at peace. He closes his eyes and listens to Louis make Jackson laugh until the phones start to ring and the doorbell starts to buzz but until then, it's just them in their house in their bed and Harry has everything he needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BYE!


End file.
